Somewhere, your enemies are keening

 

You know going uphill is only one way right?

No intentions of rolling downhill Frenchy. No left or right hand turns either, up, only up. That is me.

Sometimes you wake up and life gives you a thump. Know what I'm saying?

Yes, I sure do. If you imagine waking up one morning and running unwittingly into the person that is going to be the reason that it will be the last time you do something - or everything. 

  But imagine everything you do when you wake up, but that is the day that it's for the last time - but you don't know it's the last time. Do you remember the last time you played out with your friends as a kid? No. But there was a last time, you just didn't know it.

The last time.

For the last time.

The old lady in Queen's. She put on her nightdress for the last time, cleaned her teeth and brushed her hair. But she also breathed for the last time. Because of her husband? No, I don't believe that. Why pull her nightgown up like that? And the way he killed himself is soo not sitting right with me.

There's no more information yet, the forensics are still on it.

What about similar cases?

I don't know, there's 2 or possibly even 3.

So we are talking about a serial killer?

Possibly. 

What did the DNA bring up?

Some familial, possibly blood found at the scene with quite a rare blood group. 

Ohh, I have quite a rare blood group!

Vraiment?

Ouai. I was in hospital once and I was told they couldn't operate as there was none of my blood type in the bank as it was rare.

You did 23 and Me?

I did. But it's going broke and I'm wondering what will happen to all of those DNA samples.

I hear they will be sold to the Far East, dangerous in my opinion.

Yes, especially as drones can find you with a DNA sample.

You watch too much TV.

Vraiment?

Ha!

Ancestry dot com.. I did that too. I'm waiting for the cops to knock on the door with an unsolved crime!

It could happen you think?

Oh sure! Nothing would surprise me! 

I've heard several cases so you could be right.

Whatever happens, well it never happens on it's own you know? 

Only if deceit prevails.

I live in the light, not in the shadows. I know, let's go down to the water, see if we can find the man who pretends he isn't there. You know the guy who pushes his boat with a big stick, and covers his face with a scarf? He has answers.

I think they collected him and put him in Belle Vue, he isn't there anymore.

Ok, the man who isn't there anymore, let's find him.

His hands were bleeding the last time I saw him.

No, they were not bleeding, he has blood on them, there's a  difference.

 Like Lady Macbeth?

Indeed.

We are in danger Tiny Fair. What were facts are now feelings.

What difference does it make? We keep following the flame. It will take us straight to our destination.

Destination unknown?

No, I know where the destination is.

I feel better.

People always take more from the buffet than they can eat.

Why do you say that?

Because it's a fact?

I actually don't, I return for me if I need to.

Hmmm.

We need to keep to the road ahead.

But all the roads look like Medusa's head.

Keep walking my beautiful one, until you have worn out yet another pair of shoes.

There's a Bucket Full Of Rabbit Shit in the Garage.

 I drew the Ace of Spades with the other card, I'm not mentioning the other card, because I don't want to conjure up it's dark and twisted spirit. That could happen, you know?

  I already knew what was likely in store. I became totally silent, didn't speak of it at the time, I sat there, looking stupid and disturbed, like I'd walked through the British Embassy cocktail party with my skirt tucked in my knickers. Yes, I was shocked. But I wasn't entirely sure who the cards corresponded to, there was too much white noise. So I persevered. 

Keep thinking about the White Rabbit, but don't follow it down the rabbit hole.

I actually had the raging two-bob bits that night, so I thought it could very well be myself. I had drawn my own death card. I could shit myself to death here, and no one would guess.

It wasn't you though, was it. You didn't, did you?

Evidently not. 

Those people died though, but why?

That was the saddest part. We don't know. 

This brings no one peace.

Peace doesn't come from ignorance. First there's the discovery, then the pain.. Peace follows truth, not fallacy. The lesson here is in understanding. Who. Why? We know the how.

I stood up from the grass and my pants were stained, then I noticed you. You looked so young. I didn't recognize your Sport's club colour's, Orange and Green - Or was it Yellow and Brown? That sweatshirt.. No, it was brown and red. Oh I can't remember! You asked me where I'd been? I told you, I can't remember! My phone was not working, everywhere I went there was no signal! You kept on about my disappearance! 

The garden is beautiful, I love the glass verandah. The lush foliage, divine.  But who are the two Oriental girls? They have gone into the kitchen now to make food, that was my kitchen once upon a time -  but oddly I don't feel jealous or resentful, I am resigned. I can't remember anything of my past, or even my present! Those girls look very young.. They stare at me with distrust..

Who is the black man? His eyes are burning into me, full of suspicion. He wants me gone from here.

You can't be here. That's why.

Who is he?

He is the demon. I told you about him before. He isn't here with me, he is actually following you.

No, he is not. I would have noticed. Why are you harbouring him?

You are pure, you wouldn't make air. He knows that, so he is attempting to lead you astray.

So where do I go now?

You have to find the route that was set for your journey. It's in front of you, but there are many paths leading away from your true path, so do not take the wrong one or you will end up back here.

So what, fuck it. Let's just forget it. I last played Snakes and Ladders aged nine, it is of no interest to me these days.

And the game continues. So do not attempt to adjust the mask of someone else before you have adjusted your own. Or back down the snake you will go.

I'm not behind the mask, nor giving up and sliding down. That's not what I meant.

No. Surrender is a different kind of demon. Do not surrender.

Tell me one last time.

The trick still works, don't forget. It's all in the mechanism of your mind. You have to remember how to use it!

 And remember Pluto. Always remember Pluto.

If you look for long enough, at the right time, in your peripheral sight, you can see your fate.

I can't do it.

Yes you can, keep following the path. The light is there, but visible only to the third eye. Open that eye. I have told you many times! Let the Tiger's devour your enemies. There is no obligation for you to do it yourself.

Yes, I will be very interested to see what it's like watching them be swallowed.

You have to leave now.

I'm walking towards the gate. The black man goes ahead of me and opens it. He is staring at me, but I don't look him in the eye, I don't want him to get inside my head.  It now closes quietly behind me. That world is gone, disappeared from view. What was that? What does it mean?

Time to go for lunch Tiny Fair. 

I'm still in that time warp. I was in the matrix.

But which is the matrix, and which is reality?

There is no reality. There is only where we are now.

Tomorrow I aim to be in St Tropez. You onboard?

Yes, why the fuck not. I mean nothing makes any sense so just roll with it.  

Roll with the nonsense.

Until the truth becomes the reality.

Yes, let's do it. And say we did not.

Remember Amsterdam?

Yes, it was fun. 

Attencion!!!

I remember, I fell from the kerb.

Ouai, L'herbe was strong.

It was Frenchy.

It was my Tiny Fair.

“Faut savoir s’étendre Sans se répandre.”

 

The holes in your life seem to signify some kind of terror, which I see as the signs of erasure.

Omitting something you mean, my life fragmented as opposed to rigidly upright and solid? Yes, you're right. But show me one person and I will find the holes. I don't care who they are.

The 4AM question of whether or not to make them the object of forgiveness, what with those green eyes searing straight through to my soul, I would not wear the shoes of those people for one single second, not with your flames of pure ice.  

We are but the Tholin's of Pluto. So I see no reason not to forgive, but then again I am not unconditional. Our paths crossed for a reason.

So poetic you are Frenchy - Who came first Pluto or Goofy?

Probably you, all sugar rush and roses greedy... Isn't it just like you? I got mine, you can wait until the morning, good night. Hahaha!

Yes, that's me.

Failure, it can be quite exotic. If you know you know. You don't seem to know.

Hmm, it's not exactly the same exotic as a snow leopard though, is it? I mean it's more the asshole, as opposed to the Orchid. Failure isn't something I ever set myself up for. Failure for me wasn't an option.  Despite the obstcles I've had thrown in my path, I've persevered through the rain and the storm. And I've walked through many storms.

Yes, I noticed you don't ever quit.

No I don't. I am tenacious. It took me 45 years to find an invisible  Mother who had no concept of what being a Mother actually entailed.. Josephine Baker she was not. She hadn't looked for us, not at all.  This I was aware of.  She'd moved on, new life, new kids.. But I never gave up. It was quite odd, but I only ever meant to observe her across a crowded room and only the once would have sufficed. But that's not how it turned out, there was too much pent up anger. 

     The childhood trauma of her not being there to protect me and my sister against evil predators was more than I could contain. All I could see in my mind was the neglect, the raw disgust of the sexual abuse, the starvation, the cruelty and violence, of feeling perpetually freezing cold - the pure madness... And her sat there - Just fat and unconcerned. 

But that gave me the drive to seek out a better life..  And on particularly rough days, when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%. And that's pretty good.

We have very different lives Frenchy..

This brings nobody peace, Tiny Fair. It's done.  It is an ancient war, the war between obsession and responsibility, and you do not bear any of the responsibility of what you went through as an innocent child.

But it will never finish and has been the same forever.  We are as forgotten now, as we were then.

There are limits, Tiny Fair.  Respect your head, don't let them inside your head. For they have not earned from you the love, nor respect you deserve. 

Erasure has many techniques, but only one result.

Yes, my advice is don't take your Samurai sword to work with you, even if it's bring your Samurai sword to work day.

Maybe this is all a mirage Frenchy.

It's not a mirage if it fucking hurts you.

Frenchy - This news just in..

Sources confirm that the woman who stole your heart has just been arrested..

Think for a moment and decide, whether you're an angel or a beast..

It's difficult to look at people with compassion when there are so many assholes around.

What about Bobbie? When does he get disinterred?

Tomorrow at 5AM.

Then the Crematorium?

Yes, I will go alone. I do not wish to share my emotions.

Ok Frenchy, I understand. So when will we take him home?

For Christmas, to my Mother in Paris.

Christ, if it were my Mother the last thing she'd want is a kid at her door, as ashes in a box or otherwise. She might welcome you as a bar of chocolate though, or a sammich.

Well my brother will be in a Golden urn surrounded by fresh flowers on the Gulf Stream. Sometimes the cost is of no consequence. It will be his final journey. 

We will follow the bright flickering flame, it will take us somewhere we have never been.

Ambush and a French Twist

 Frenchy, what is a pathological liar?

A mythomaniac?

Yes, whatever you call it.

A compulsive liar, someone who lies for seemingly no reason, or without a clear motive. Who are you thinking about? Me? Well my job.. So..

No! Not you! Dr Jimmy. He once told me never to listen to the sad girl in Belle Vue because she was a born liar, she told lies about everything, would swear black was white despite the obvious evidence. That she was a pathological liar, she couldn't help it. It was part of her illness and not to believe anything she said.

He's deflecting. A pure Narcissist, it's him with the problem. I would say the forensic psycology team will diagnose him with major NPD. Why you concerned?

I'm worried he will lie his way out of jail. He is a very convincing liar.

No, first of all he isn't, not to the trained ear, and secondly he can't. He can't lie his way out.  Stop fretting. Where's the car?

It fell down a hole.

What?

It fell down a hole. You can see the top of it, but I don't know how to get it out.

Are you for real?

I was distracted, I opened some kind of gate and it fell down. I don't think there's much damage, it went into water.

Not much damage? What the... Water?  Distracted by what? For Fucks Sake!

I saw an old man sat on my bed, I thought it was Arthur Miller.

Who the fuck is Arthur Miller?

He was an author...Yeah... Anyhow, I only thought it was him, but it wasn't. It was someone else who died a long time ago, he was a relation. But he looked a lot like him.

What did he want?

I don't know, he was sat staring at me but didn't say anything.

Silent message?

He tucked the bed covers in.

He's telling you to put something to bed maybe?

But what?

We will figure out. After we dig the car out.

Don't worry about the car, I'm selling my apartment, the real estate guy said he will sell it in a few hours.

Ohh.. How I despair.. Tiny Fair, you believe everything you're told. And that's a statement.

I do.

Yeah, it can be a problem. If he's selling it in a few hours it's because he's massively undervalued it.

Oh okay.

Which hole is the car in?

The one with water in.

That narrows it down.

It's okay, it's an ambush.

That group of cunning liars,  they devised a plan to ambush the  car as it crossed the bridge over the river. They set up a trap with fake road signs and lured the unsuspecting driver into the water. But little did they know, the driver was actually a skilled escape artist who managed to outsmart them and swim to safety. The masked gang of three were left empty-handed and humiliated, their devious plan foiled by their own delusions. As she watched the roof of the car sink below the dark waters, she smiled. 

See you soon guys.

Prove It

 Where's Dr Jimmy?

In solitary at Riker's.  He's not seeing daylight for a while.

If ever again. But I thought Riker's was shut down?

Not to him it isn't. Raping, murdering bastard. He was totally stunned when he was arrested, thought he'd got away with it after all these years. He didn't put up much of a struggle though, just resigned himself to his fate. I reckon he knew it was coming.

Innocent until proven guilty and all that.. He won't be enjoying the food that's for sure.. Any info on the repercussions of his arrest?

The aftermath was totally predictable. No one suspected a thing.  Neighbours said he kept to himself, he was not particularly friendly. A lone female neighbour said she always kept her door locked as he freaked her out, thought he was weird.   One small dog, girlfriend who was more approachable but not over familiar. Not many visitors.

She must have been shocked? The girlfriend. Almost as much as him!

Yes, she declared his innocence loudly as is the norm. More of a mother figure O'Malley said. He would never have put them together.  Him tall and skinny, her short and dumpy.  Quite a mismatch.

When is the indictment?

Tomorrow, Felony charges.

I have a feeling this won't go to trial, he will Epstein himself. He's walked as a free man for too long. His crimes are nothing to him now, he will have put them to the back of his mind.

Probably drank them away, I smelled the alcohol on him in Belle Vue.  He will have spent many years justifying his heinous actions and reached the conclusion that it was all so justifiable, and that he is actually the victim, the righteous, not them. Disgusting piece of shit. I hope he does off himself but prison time would hurt him more. I doubt he will come out of there alive either way. The pysch evaluation be interesting also. Though personally I reckon he's simply a narcississtic psycopath. No gray areas.

Do you think he killed any of the patients in his care?

Yes, probably. Raped them too. He needs to be in control, has the desire to overpower the weak. He would have got a serious sense of superiority from it all, enjoyed as people begged him not to hurt them.

Sick bastard. But there's no such thing as a superiority complex, it all derives from inferiority.

Who gives a fuck? Another one bites the dust.

Hopefully.

Yes. There is a God.

In the depths of Riker's Island Prison within a tiny, cold stark cell in PSEG,  prisoner number 24766-249 found himself swathed in a putrid green suicide smock, consumed by fear and despair. The walls closed in on him, echoing his own thoughts of murder and suicide. Because he was going to exact his revenge on the scum who had put him in here, in this disgusting stinking hell hole. How dare they? Didn't they know who he was?

But as the days passed, Dr Jimmy's wit and intellect became his saving grace, the time allowing him to craft elaborate stories in his mind to escape the darkness that threatened to consume him. 

And in the end, it was his storytelling that had kept him alive all these years, giving him hope and salvation in the face of his deepest fear of being found out. He had only raped because it was the victims own fault, only murdered the deserving. He had been doing the world a favor.

His stories had always helped him out before, why should now be different? 

Now, he was going to have to tell the biggest story of his life.

Walter Mitty had nothing on him. He knew that.

Dr Jimmy was the greatest story teller of all time. 

His next story would see him go free, as he would place himself firmly in the place of his victims.

If it's okay with you I'll just sit here and take me a rest

 He came rushing out of the doors from Harry's Bar on Rue Danou in Paris. His beautifully cut black woollen overcoat making a swirling drunken pirouette like a whirling dervish, before sinking gracefully in slow motion.  It was sublime, poetic. A stage fall like no other. I ran over to help him to his feet. He grinned up at me, all dark haired and blue eyed, so outrageously drunk, so bloody handsome! God he was looking like Delon! So goddam easy on the eye..

Get on with it for fucks sake!

Sorry.. He was laughing. I helped him up, it wasn't easy. He was heavy, and his uncontrollable laughter made it all the more difficult! Eventually he was composed and on his feet. 

Merci, Merci beaucoup ..

What the fuck did you drink in there? I want some! 

That made him laugh even more..

I'll take you back inside with me.

No need, we are regulars, just tell me the name of the drink..

Long Island Tea..

But of course, what else? Hmm.. Forget the Mai Tai's tonight.

We stared into each other's eyes for an eternity. There was something familiar, but I couldn't place him. As hard as I tried. I knew him, but I wasn't sure from where.

He was also trying to place me, he was about to say something, but hesitated, and then the moment was gone.

Was he the man who wasn't there?

No, no he wasn't. But who says there's only one? There could be many.

The family annihilator in Belle Vue.

What about him?

Did you pick anything up from him?

Yes. He is in total denial. He believes his own untruths unfortunately. Nothing you can do to rectify that. Man brainwashes self - read the headlines.

Now let's go back to the hapless wannabe soldier of fortune.

The body in the trunk of the car. He drove around with that for some time. She was a whore no?

Sex worker you mean? Bloody hell Frenchy... All pre 1944 you are...I don't believe he did that, I think his mother did it.

Vraiement?

Ouai. They were in a relationship, I read their mail. It wasn't regular Mother and Son stuff, like I hope you're eating your Brussel Sprouts..  It was more - hey sexy, what underwear are you wearing today, I hope you are wearing the black lace panties I bought you.. type stuff.

Fuck.

Yes. I was shocked, but not shocked totally nude sall I say? It wasn't so surprising really. If you witnessed their interaction, it was fairly obvious. And obviously she was the instigator, he was a child at the time. So he was a victim also.

That made him misogynistic? The Oedipus complex?

Jocasta Complex also.

Probably. How could he develop normal relationships with women when he was still stuck on the tit? Being spoon fed by Mammy dearest. He had no needs, no wants, she satisfied them all, to keep a hold of him, he could never leave. Until the fateful day he brought someone else in to satisfy his needs. And well look what happened to her. Dead in the trunk of the car.

So you think his Mother did it?

Well she was beside herself with jealousy. She had the whiskey problem, rage issues..  She was afraid of losing him. The sex worker woman posed a threat. Their incestuous secret may also be unearthed. I think perhaps he was trying to break free from all of that. A sex worker is the obvious answer, he couldn't converse and act normally with ordinary women.

He's a high security prisoner. Cat A.

I don't know why, she's more dangerous.

She's dead.

Oh well, then she is no longer a threat. You want to ask him anything?

I don't know, maybe there's a connection.

To the carpet body?

Yeah.

No, the DNA doesn't match.

So our suspect's definitely not in CODIS?

No. But someone in his family is.

Oh and you know this how?

Familial DNA.

Does he have any priors? Any DUI's?

Yes there is one according to our contact, but no swabs were taken. It wasn't required then.

Not much to go on?

It's all circumstantial right now.

Do you remember the Lilac wine experiment?

Not much of it. I remember the headache!

Care to repeat?

Not really, I make a lousy Shamen, and throwing up is a fucking horrible thing for me.. Maybe I'll ask Sadhu, he has a way of connecting the disconnected. I'll call him tonight. 

You're doomed—may you never fathom who you are! 

This is Jocasta's penultimate line in Oedipus the King, spoken just before she exits the stage. Jocasta's words reveal that she has put the pieces together and understands what actually happened in the past.. 

Ever thought of dying totally unholy?

Yesterday, upon the stair,

I met a man who wasn't there

He wasn't there again today

I wish, I wish he'd go away...

Ah. This one.

Yes. Now do you understand?

I never understood until now what was actually happening, but eventually as with most things, the answer was revealed in time.

Those mysterious events in your life that you don't quite comprehend. They are never anything pleasant, are they?  Rather they are troublesome, worrying and sometimes downright frightening. Confusion reigns. Because you don't understand what is happening with your life. And then a woman visited me, she said that someone had been writing her letter's, saying the most terrible things about me and my family.

An old enemy? Neighbour? Disgruntled colleague?

I thought so too, but she said no. Guess again.  And then she told me who the anonymous writer was. I was shocked. But then again.

Jealousy.

Yes, probably, but so much venom, so much hatred, the letters were more than disturbing. How could I not have known? 

No, how could you possibly have  known?

I thank god that woman told me, but she herself was troubled and worried about this person's sanity, and my safety. As she stated, it was overkill. I was advised to say nothing to anyone about anything,  leave quietly before someone got killed.  Which I did. I've had life threatening situations before, but not like this.

 As in all matters,  eventually a clue is exposed, and then you begin to put the  pieces of the puzzle together. This is clarity, something you get during those rare moments of lucidity. That happened to me following my transition. Everything became startlingly clear. I sought the counsel of my Guru in London. He's high on the spiritual ladder. A sadhu.

I knew you'd have one of those somehow.

Well they are the enlightened.  And initially you feel like you're going crazy. A Sadhu puts everything back into perspective and put you on your pathway to learning. Understanding your own spiritual journey.

I was stood leaning against the car one night. It was pitch black outdoors. Nothing, no light no sound. And then suddenly a ball of light dropped into the tree in front of me. Then another, and another. As I turned to race back indoors, I noticed a blue light glowing from inside my car. Then I knew these were events beyond my control and I had to learn to embrace them instead of run away. 

What happened next?

I saw the man who wasn't there. And I've seen him several times since too. Last night I walked into an empty house, or I thought it was empty. The lounge area was darkened except for light from the TV screen. The sofa had become a bed, almost filling the entire room. The man stood up, he embraced me. His hair was dark and dishevelled, I noticed he had shaved one side of his head. He asked me if I understood, I told him I did, and let's get out of here for a shortwhile. Go and seek some light. He agreed. But he was weak, and he struggled. I stayed with him until he disappeared. He seemed happy, he smiled at me as he vanished into thin air. But he will reappear at some stage.

What stands out in your memory?

I was struggling to light the central heating boiler, it was brand new and had recently been fitted. The engineer showed up and told me there was no way it wasn't working, it was new and there were no faults showing on his handheld meter.  The motherboard was replaced, but it still wouldn't work. That's when he found a black plastic bin liner deliberately placed inside in the flue, to stop the fumes from escaping. The new boiler had a safety feature to prevent carbon monoxide leaking back into the house. Because the flue was blocked it wouldn't switch on. 

Who blocked the flue?  The same person who wrote the letters?

Well the Police said it could be an attempted murder as they had heard something but didn't want to go into it right there and then. It was logged and we were given security. 

So you are all dead, and the murderer removes the blockage from the flue and it's presumed you died of Carbon Monoxide poisoning - the perfect crime.

But who would do that?

Someone who has killed before and has no conscience about it. The first thing the Police do when someone is murdered is look for someone who has done it before.

But what if he has never been caught before?

And what if it's the perfect murder? Goes undetected?

No, it would have been detected. I had a camera on the door. I saw who did it. This person is dangerous. I'm ready to leave now. 

You shouldn't even be here. Here, sign this and go. 

Thanks. Where's Frenchy?

He's outside the gates waiting for you. Tiny Fair.. Be careful out there.

I'm safer out there than you know.

You know I've been watching you.

Hello Mr Sadhu.

You have a scent, I have noticed this scent before on only certain people.

Really? Not Dior then?

No, it's deeper than that. You have the scent of one of the chosen few.

Oh shit. I'm not sure I can go there with you on that, it's kind of cultish.

Call it what you like, I know the scent. And you have it.

Frenchy, pull yourself together, we are going to Miami.

What for?

I have to go to the Island's.

Their issues are not my fault.

Not my circus, not my monkey's.

Once upon a time in a small village, there lived a young woman who was the target of jealousy and hatred from an unknown enemy,  someone who pretended to be her friend but who was most certainly not. Who attempted to murder her out of envy for her beauty and kindness and perceived happiness and success.  However, she survived the evil plot and exposed the lies of the evil monster, who was eventually banished from her life for their wicked ways. Despite the hardships she faced, her resilience and courage prevailed, proving that even in the face of darkness, goodness will always triumph over evil.

Yeah, I kind of like that. Very Princessy. You check the flights?

Yes we can get one first thing. But let's shower and eat. Cipriani's I think. Here's the cab.

Oh no, it's the same driver with flames coming from his head..

Listen To the Blood Drip, Oozing From His Curled Lip

Often times I have been told I walk quietly. 

So silent that I scare people when I seem to “pop up” in the same room. Apparently I was doing just this when I walked down the stairs intending to go into the family room. Before I turned the last corner into the room, I stopped dead in my tracks for I heard my name come out of somebody's mouth. My mother was talking to someone on the phone and said something like this.. Yes she does really irrational things and she won't own up to it. The other day she ran away and sliced her wrists up.. She laughed. She actually laughed at me!

Ahhh... How insensitive. Your Mother?

Yes, speaking to her work colleague! Okay so yes, I did slice my wrists up, but to hear of it being spoken over the phone to a stranger, and then to laugh about it!

Yeah well, that's people for you. Maybe your Mother isn't the best confidante. Or the best fucking Mother actually...

She cares only about herself. Watched me struggle in my life while she got breast implants, hair extensions, veneer's.. I had to work my way through Uni, I was exhausted doing double shifts in a bar and studying all the while. I used to fall asleep during classes..  In the meantime she lived only for chasing men with  Ferrari's. She didn't show up to my Graduation. That's why I split my wrists, that's why I'm in here.

What else you do?

I killed her. I put a knife through her implant. I wasn't meaning to kill her, I was just so angry. I was poking at the implant, it made me sick, I went too far that day, it all got out of hand.

It's okay, I understand. I don't think it was intentional?

No, I was wanting to hurt her in the same way she hurt me. I could do nothing to please her.

Did Dr Jimmy ever treat you?

Yes, but I don't want to talk about him.

Okay. You got a reason for that?

Yes, he used to take advantage of the women at shower time when he was on watch, but I really don't want to say anymore. Everyone is frightened of him in here.

It's ok, you don't need to.

I heard a rumor about him though.

Oh yes?

Yeah.. He had a baby with his mother.

Oh, I didn't hear that, maybe it's a chinese whisper. Because he never really knew his mother. I heard he may have got someone in his family pregnant, but even though she thought he was her brother, he was actually her uncle! I know way more, but I can't tell you in here.

Okay Tiny Fair. Will you visit me when you get out?

Yes sure I will. How long you got left?

15 to 20.

Oh that's a long time, Okay I will see you, or call or write. I promise.

Okay Tiny, by the way. You should talk to Angel. She knows Dr Jimmy.

I thought Angel was dead?

Well she is, but I can wake her up for a little while. I will ask in advance, as she likes to rest peacefully and waking her reminds her of the horror of what happened that night.

Good loving gone bad?

Yes. And he is a bad man.

Well he's a crazy man, that's for sure. Did he have anything to do with her disappearance?

Yes, she was unfortunate enough to walk into his clutches when he was high after a rock concert, binge drinking, high on speed he'd stolen from the nursing home he worked at and now looking for someone to rape. He met her. She was never seen again. Until her body was discovered anyhow.

And you can speak to her?

Yes, I can. 

Okay. D'accord. And leave the cutting alone. Your pain isn't your fault. Your Mother is the Narcissist here, not you. But who knows what happened to her.

She was raped by her brother.

Not another one. For fucks sake. Oh that guy there, what did he do? What's he in here for?

He's a family annihilator.

Who me? You talking about me?

No sorry, I was just wondering who you were.

You mean you never heard of me?

No, but then I'm not from the US.

Oh okay lady. Yeah you know I shouldn't be here. They say I murdered my family for the inheritance, but it's not true. It was my sister who murdered the family. She was schizo.

Ah, oh okay. Not nice for you. How awful. How did they pin it on you?

All circumstantial, there was no evidence. But the Jury ruled not in my favour. 

How did she kill the entire family?

She shot them during a mental break.

And you carried the can.

Yup.

Wow.

Yeah, wow. The entire planet knows it was you, you schmuck.  You thought you were smarter than the cops. Maybe you were for a while, but unfortunately, you were not smarter than the scientists. 

Back to this.

Money.

Sex.

Motives are pretty predictable. First look for the motive.

Timelines Frenchy, the timeline is crucial. Put your suspect in the locale, find the motive and you have your man.

So the motive was sex.

No, the motive was money. Look at the timeline.

Two victims found after a vicious home invasion. Suspect was within a 2 mile radius. Actual fact it was 1 mile.

Victim found after going missing. Suspect again was within a 2 mile radius.

Victim after victim. He was around there somewhere.

The suspect was within a radius of a couple of miles even though the vicinities are different, he was either living or working close by. This person moves around a lot. He goes missing for long periods of time. Possibly abroad. He has never been questioned about any of these crimes. He is not in CODIS.

Profile?

Male, 55 - 75 YOA,  possibly a professional, salesman, shopworker, teacher, nursing assistant something of that nature,  definitely not a labourer or building contractor but that is just my opinion. Sporty or athletic given his ability to overpower and subdue his victims. So yes, possibly a tall guy with a muscular stature. All round good guy given that no one suspects what he has done. Probably feigning the happy family routine. Church goer.  The darkside of  him, what is he concealing. Erratic upbringing, I don't know. The prerequisite difficult relationship with his Mother? That's almost always prevalent. Maybe his scoutmaster pulled his trollies down and rear ended him, this man is angry. He blames the world for his failures. He hates women for sure.

He isn't going to stop.

We need to find the guy whose wife he was sleeping with.

Why?

He dragged him out of bed and headbutted him, gave him a busted lip. Do you think that went unavenged?

No?

No. It did not.

Run Like A Rabbit Run, You'll Take A Beating Son, Run Run Run

Let me write a tale to make you think you're someone

I've got an idea.

I don't want to hear any more of your bright ideas. I am so fucked up, I know we are never getting out of here. Not with your help anyhow, I'm going to have to mastermind this plan, and I am too fucking lazy to be in charge of complex decisions and plans.

Maybe if your acting like a lunatic wasn't so damned convincing, you might stand a chance of getting out!

I hate you. I also hate my dramatic arts tutor right now also for teaching me the art of illusion.

Yes! You hate me! That's an emotion I can deal with hate. At least you aren't indifferent! There's a a very fine line between love and hate, I am sure it's love you feel! You will feel love soon my darling!

Fuck off..

Did you eat anything? I can't eat, not with someone sat in front of me food falling from their mouth, smearing it across their hideous faces- it's grotesque. I am in a circus.

So, all Circus's need a ring master, change your uniform. Or become a clown.

We are two clowns right now.

No, let them believe that we are the clowns. You may be Mr Pierrot, but I am definately planning on becoming  the ring master of this particular charade.

What happened last night? I didn't see you. I imagined you had found the least disgusting bed, as you say.

I didn't sleep. I sat in the TV room, all night alone - well alone except for Dr Jimmy.

He was there?

He was watching me through the toughened glass. I was watching him watching me. But you know, they are on the other side, they feel like they are in control, but in reality, it's the unquiet and slightly disturbed who are in control.

What did he do? Dr Jimmy.

Nothing, he was quiet, he didn't speak, just stared menacingly. You know, half grinning, chewing on a slice of Brownie, like he was waiting for the right moment to pounce. I just rocked back and forth in my chair watching cartoons, turning my gaze back to him. There he was, all superior, in charge, with his pocket full of pills and liquid cosh close at hand.. but at the same time he seemed perplexed - frustrated even -  trying to figure me out. But you know that will never happen. Even I can't figure me out.

I can.

Yes, well you're you, and in fairness you are a professionally trained figurerer outer.

Did they take your phone or did you hide it before you came here?

It's in your apartment, why?

We need to look at how many devices are logged into your account.

Why?

Incase someone has tried to track you.

Who would do that? The Arab?

Possibly, maybe the Cuban's?

Why would they do that now after all this time?

I don't know, just a thought.

Well the phone will track back to Manhattan, so good luck with that. Anyhow, I would know, I'm not completely stupid.

My ex put a GPS on my phone when I was having an affair with a blonde in New Jersey.

Well you should have gotten her arrested Frenchy, it's stalking, coercive control, harrassment.. Call it what you will. I will check when I get out of here, but I doubt anyone is tracking me. Plus one of the two Cuban's is dead.

How do you know?

I saw his photo on a refrigerator, it had an X marked through it.

Neutralized?

No, natural causes.

Ah. Also interesting. Did you hear of a mailing service called namecheap, privateemail.com?

No, I don't think so. I use millitary grade email servers courtesy of a friend. 

I received a strange email today from that email address.  

They let you in the mail room? 

Yes, under supervision. That mail stood out in my inbox, as it was specifically addressed to my name but the message didn't make any sense. Something about malicious content was reported and is being investigated. Just wondered if you had received anything similar.

I haven't checked my inbox on the normal servers for 10 years Frenchy.

Okay, maybe do so when you get released.

Just more crap I really cannot be arsed with Frenchy.

Be arsed. As you say.

Hey Dr Jimmy! Are you married? Do you have any kids?

What's it to you loon?

I just wondered, you seem like such a nice caring guy, I'm sure your kids are wonderful?

Well, yes. I have 2 girls and a boy.

Oh how darling! with your wife?

Yes, well no. Not so much. What the fuck..Three kids to three different women.. Okay?  All of those women are pyschopaths though, right? They belong in here with you lot!

Oh why?

Look. I see one daughter intermittenly, my son never, and my other daughter I never met. Their mother's are pyschopaths!

Oh why is that? Did you drive them to insanity because you are the man made of feuilletée, more layers then an onion? Are you the onion man?

Onion man? I am a dangerous fucking man LOON. Get out of my fucking way! You wanna find out how dangerous I am? You wanna shot of Thorazine up your ass?

Sorry Dr Jimmy.. I will go away.

Good! Bitch!! You'd better. 

...Yeah Dr... Yeah, I'm a bitch alright...

Oh, one more thing Dr Jimmy.

What the fuck bitch!!

There's a baby hidden behind the garage. I think that's also one of yours.

Right bitch! I'm going for the dart gun. Thorazeeeening you right up until next week...Mental fucking bitches.. Arggghhh!

Thorazine Dr Jimmy? What's wrong with a knife or a hammer?

Right bitch. You are done.

Frenchy, I'm in.

Be careful Tiny Fair. He is possibly one of the worst ever. And he fits every profile. We just need that goddam ADN.

But he shaves his head and is meticulous he leaves no evidence anywhere.

He will slip up soon.

In the darkened corridors of the Belle Vue mental hospital, Dr Jimmy was known by staff for his gentle demeanor and soothing words. But behind his kind facade, he harbored a dark secret - he was systematically drugging the mentally ill patients, raping, abusing and slowly poisoning them to death. Other staff were oblivious to his sinister actions, until one brave patient, who had managed to hold onto her sanity, uncovered Jimmy's deadly scheme. With her help, the authorities were able to apprehend Dr Jimmy before he could claim any more innocent lives. And as he was led away in handcuffs, the patients finally felt a sense of relief, knowing they were safe from his murderous grasp.

But Dr Jimmy was as slippery as an eel.  

He was officially dead.

So now we're on the death trip.

 

Metamorphosis

 What happened to you during your transition?

I don't know, it was the strangest of occurances. I mentally kept sliding back into another time, a different dimension. I had no control over the sensation, it crept up on me out of the blue.

 No matter where I was, in the shower, driving, drinking coffee on my terrace - I felt as if I was experiencing some kind of flashback, running it through in slow motion like a video recording.  The feeling affected me physically too. Horror, panic, rapid heartbeat -  and then I would feel a burning sensation surging through my veins, burst into tears and the finale was to actually throw up!

  I fell asleep after one of these episodes and woke up to a bright light in my darkened room, the blindingly white flashes of lightening, accompanied by horrendous thunder. I sat on the side of the bed, the power cut out but the room was lit well enough by the lightening bolts. I didn't feel any fear which is unusual for me.  I eventually fell into a deep sleep. In the morning the sun shone brightly through the uncovered windows. I was laying upside down on my bed, head towards the footboard. I sat up and a feeling of happiness surged through me. The transition was complete. I just knew.

I ran down your stairs, I was convinced you had done something. But there you were, the sunlight on your face, in your hair, smiling, laughing almost.  I knew then we had to be in this thing together, I never wanted to leave your side ever again. And that you had all the answers.

Oh Frenchy, I wish I did. but I don't.

But you do my Tiny Fair. You do.

So now what?

Well I have gotten you into a fine mess haven't I?

You sure have. 

Think back to St James's Place.

What about it?

The art gallery.

What was in there?

Not what, but who?

 

Do I have lines on my face yet?

 How did you get here?

By cab.

No, I mean how did you get in here? Inside the farm?

By cab I told you. I flagged a taxi down and jumped in the back seat. I told the driver he had flames coming from his head and that they were his dead friends trying to communicate with him. He drove me straight here, to the door.  I was Ativanned by dart gun and told to find the least disgusting bed and get into it. They don't give a fuck. The hallucinations were epic. How did you get in here?

I fell asleep on a bench in Central Park, I was so tired of being awake after three days with no sleep I was hallucinating.  I was woken up by the police who told me they had enough people like me in the city, and I would be taken to the hospital and then flown back to where I came from as I was using up resources meant for the people who live here. I am overwhelmed by the care and attention. 

Be grateful then, bastard. And we still need to get out. I can't believe I followed you blindly with no exit plan. 

Getting out. That might be easier said than done.  Anything interesting? some of the shit going down in here is amusing in a way.

What's amusing about the disassociated? I met a girl who had been raped by her Uncle as a child, she'd had a stillborn baby, hidden it. He works here. She calls him Doctor Jimmy.

So she will never go free while Uncle needs to keep her quiet.

No, he will keep her crazy for as long as is necessary. Probably forever.

Poor woman. So her life is effectively over?

It was over the moment he threw her onto the ground and forced himself onto her, she was 12 years old.

And then a pregnancy to conceal.

She told me he took her to the family crypt, a veiled threat in my opinion, look where you're going to end up if you run your mouth. No one will look for you here.  There's no justice. She can't talk to law enforcement, he's already poisoned the well. She's mentally unstable. Not to be believed, no credibility. I'd like to visit the crypt, apparently he concealed something there. He also made a startling confession, that he was responsible for an unsolved murder but that he could blame his father? DNA doesn't work that way, unbelievably naiive for a genius. Doctor Jimmy is evil personified. We need to be careful of him.

Wow, another crazy who actually does belong in here. Does she have any family?

She does have a mother, but apparently she's off her head - and her meds. They never had any relationship. Her mother was allegedly more interested in escorting wealthy men, she fell pregnant and married one and had other kids. She's wiped her past clean. So there seems little point in tracking her down. There are siblings, but they've lost touch, no contact in twenty years or so.

The human condition.

This is far from human? What makes a person think they have the right to violate another person? What gave him the right to do that? And then have everyone believe she is just another nutjob? Where does this end?

It doesn't. But please don't get messed up with other cases, we have to focus on why we are here. Any word on the Arab?

I need to speak to the old man with the gray beard. He's delerious most of the time but does have moments of lucidity. I shook his hand, he made my blood run cold. He carries a tiny copy of the Quran. I'm going to follow him around and try and get him to talk. Got to be careful of him though, his body count is unprecedented. Even though he never actually pulled one single trigger personally. 

Oh, the Alchemy of the unquiet mind.

You can't pathologise every behaviour and emotion. No one is text book. The only thing text book are the meds. One size fits all, keeps us all quiet and compliant. 

No, you're right. 

Riots are holy, don't fuck around with explanations.

Anyhow, time to drink too much coffee and start eating the plaster off the walls.

What's wrong with eating pebbles? Or shit?

Did you know that a surge of happiness is diagnosed as a manic episode in here?

I'm waiting. For my surge of happiness.  But if you smile at a Doctor Jimmy, it only brings you more medication, feeling's are prohibited.

It's easy to stop being human, just become a bunch of diagnoses with a body attached.

A body attached to shuffling slippers. That sound alone is enough to drive anyone crazy.

The overpowering desire for death is tangible.

I am beginning to understand crazy. 

Alone now in the dimly lit hospital tunnel, the struggle with the confusion brought on by the medication as she grappled with the side effects, the dark thoughts intruding into her mind - the deathwish that seemed to offer the only escape from her pain. But just as she reached for the pills she had sequestred inside her brassiere, Dr Jimmy approached her with a reptilian smile and a condescending word, reminding her that there is always hope and help available. And in that moment, the powerlessness she once felt as that 12 year old innocent girl engulfed her once again as the Doctor lifted her thin cotton gown and forced himself inside her. Ssh. No point in screaming, no one can hear you. No one will believe you. I am superior. You are nothing. Unwanted, unloved, one of the discarded. You deserve this, oh yes, you deserve everything bad that ever happened to you. Because you are dirt.

But you said you loved me?

Oh, did I? I'm sorry! No one could ever love you. Dirtbag. 

Transition

 Often people can't sleep because there are things they need to think about, because they are at a life transition point. This is an important life lesson.

No need for meds, it's a natural progression on life's journey.

Cherish your own transition and the insights gained.

 All kind of shit happens in life. Be open about who you are, and stay protected from the white coats and all the harm they do, as well as people who pretend to have your best interests at heart - they are the sharks.

 There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance, it's to get you on lifelong meds. Mostly this happens to the poor and unemployed but trust me, the minute you walk through the door of psychiatry, it's a case of downward spiralling all the way to the bottom. And there is no bottom. It's fathomless.

Truth is the best medicine.

Speak your truth.

Stay mad, stay crazy but above all..

Stay toxic.

Love,

Frenchy

Human Menagerie

Frenchy! I'm here by the window, can you see me?

Yes, but I can't get to you because of the cages, you're all boxed in.

To keep you out or keep me in?

I don't know - a bit of both.

I think It's to prevent us falling to our deaths should we try to escape. 

But we aren't trying to escape. Not right now anyhow.

I am. I've seen this show before.

What did they pump you up with?

Risperidone, Chlorpromazine - You?

Yeah, that and something else, I didn't see. 

Ativan probably.

The dart gun?

Yeah... that hurt.

Are they taking you down to Ward C?

Only if we don't get out of here. But don't worry, the days of shoving a whisky soaked rag in your mouth are long gone.

Im not convinced.

There's no sense to any of this, it's all beginning to fade around the edges, get hazy. Is this real or are we in a dream?

I don't know, keep pushing. We have to get out of here.

You are bizarre, hysterical, mysterious. Oh, and very good looking!

I'm in a hyper dreamlike state. Can you see your hands?

No, can you?

No.  I feel like I'm floating above you, looking down at you.  And I am seeing shadows in my peripheral sight, but I'm not going to turn and look at them because I know they are dead people, all talking at the same time,  all of them asking me questions at the same time. Asking me what happend to them?  I'm trying to block them out. 

Oh God here we go.

I saw a blue bicycle. It was a childs, the type with three wheels.  A man came from the side door and picked it up, he was crashing it against the brick walls and screaming, foam was forming around his lips and his neat hair was suddenly flopping around his eyes. The rage. The rage was consuming him. In that split second I saw a small child, I think it was a girl. She was curled up and screaming, terrified. The man lifted the bike above his head and brought it down upon her, over and over again. There's a lot of blood.  I think she's dead. I'm running now, he knows I saw him. He's coming for me. I think there are two graves already dug. He is screaming we should be dead, we should both be dead.

The little girl, she is moving. She is dazed. Blood is coming from her head. I am frozen. Did she just move? No, she must be dead. He calls for an ambulance, I am stood frozen to the spot. My eyes wide with terror, open mouthed.. 

She fell from her bicycle do you hear me?

I am not actually dead, not in the physical realm, I am still very much alive. But the spirit within me is dead. He killed my inner spirit. Without that there is no meaning to life. Each day you function, you eat, breathe and sleep. But inside you are dead. There is no joy, only a dark empty space. The invisible brightness of the light of life is extinguished.

Who was the man that did that to you?

He was my Father.

But why would your Father do that to you?

He resents me because I am alive, I was the reason his wife, my mother left him. She could not bear to look at me. 

But you are so vulnerable, so small.

I am small. I was born with many defects because my mother was an alcoholic. She drank heavily ignoring the fact that I was growing inside of her. I am mentally and physically defective. My spine is twisted and deformed. I cannot walk properly. I was born after a brutal attack on my pregnant mother by my Father who was himself a tortured and demented soul, his own Father tormented by the fact he had killed his own twin brother as a child.  My Father attempted to kill us both. My mother and myself.  I died in Utero. They brought me back. How I wished they had not.

But you were dead? How did they bring you to life?

After my expulsion, I was administered oxygen, my heart began to beat, but technically there was little brain activity. I began to breathe unaided. But I was dead. I still am. I walk, slightly and talk but I have no spirit. There was once a flicker, but that was totally extinguished.

How?

By my Uncle.

What did he do?

He raped me. While I was still a child. 

Oh my God.

There was a baby. I hid the baby.

You hid it where?

In a carrier bag. It had no face. There was a hole where there should have been a nose, it's eyes were sealed shut. It breathed short sharp breaths with a rattling noise, and then it went quiet, and limp. The baby turned cold and blue.

Where did you put the baby?

I hid it behind a derelict garage. It was never discovered.

You delivered the baby alone?

Yes. In the bathroom of my Aunt's house. She never went upstairs, her mobility was impaired. She never knew. No one knew. 

I understand why your spirit is dead.

I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be anywhere else. I don't know who I am. I never knew who I was. I only knew that I was unwanted. That I didn't belong to anyone.  It was better that the baby I had should be hidden away forever. So no one could hurt it in the same way they hurt me.

What happened to your Uncle?

He is the quintessential nice guy next door. No one suspects anything. He probably can't rape anymore, but who knows who his victims are?

He died once too, but it was a lie. He said he was dead but he was still alive.

How did he die?

In an aircrash.

Jesus. So he is dead but still alive?

Yes, something like that. But he has many victims. Also dead and alive. Are you looking for him?

No, I'm looking for the Arab.

But the Arab is dead.

No, they are not. I'm convinced they are alive still.

Who are you avenging?

I am avenging a third light, the spirit I carry with me as a small light. Look, it hovers just above my right shoulder, a tiny blue light.

Yes I can see it, it moves. Be careful in here, they are watching you.

I see that. I am watching for that dark haired woman in glasses who carries the dart gun.

Ah yes, that takes away all the pain. Enjoy it, it takes you into another dimenson. 

I don't care much for it. Or her, she's a fucking sadist.

My Uncle visited me last night.

What? The rapist?

Yes, he came in the darkness of the night to the side of my bed, and left chocolate.

Why would he do that?

He needs to know where I am. 

He needs to know if you're going to talk more like. He's looking at life behind bars.

No, he's so in love with me, he told me.  And I love him.

Oh my God. He is counting the days to your death so he can assume he got away with what he did to you. Please don't let him near you.

I got to get out of here. Frenchy, the Arab isn't here, tell your comrades to get us out.

We were supposed to be brought in together, but we are separated! My head is up my ass right now, I can't think straight.

Get us out!

I can't they won't let me use the phone.

Good fucking Lord.

Hey, Missy. My Uncle does the Lord's work. He rids us of all the evil doer's in the World, do you know who he is?

No I don't, he's a rapist and a potential murderer, I don't want to know who he is.

He's right here, coming for you. He has the dart gun to soothe your psyche and later he will wash your brain. He will electrocute your skull until your brain is as smooth as a pebble. He is the lovliest person you ever met in your life, it doesn't matter he is evil, he can't help it! He really can't!

Look! Here he comes!

Hello Doctor Jimmy!

We are but lunatics banded together to uncover the truth. As we delve deeper into abandoned buildings, and warped minds, locked rooms appear filled with long dead corpses and the remains of unwanted babies and children begging to be set free. 

 Shocked and horrified, we realise the dark past of their tormentor's and vow to bring justice to the innocent souls lost within the walls of darkness.  Our determination and bravery ultimately will lead to disclosure, but the memories of the dead and tortured will haunt us forever.