There's a Bucket Full Of Rabbit Shit in the Garage.

 I drew the Ace of Spades with the other card, I'm not mentioning the other card, because I don't want to conjure up it's dark and twisted spirit. That could happen, you know?

  I already knew what was likely in store. I became totally silent, didn't speak of it at the time, I sat there, looking stupid and disturbed, like I'd walked through the British Embassy cocktail party with my skirt tucked in my knickers. Yes, I was shocked. But I wasn't entirely sure who the cards corresponded to, there was too much white noise. So I persevered. 

Keep thinking about the White Rabbit, but don't follow it down the rabbit hole.

I actually had the raging two-bob bits that night, so I thought it could very well be myself. I had drawn my own death card. I could shit myself to death here, and no one would guess.

It wasn't you though, was it. You didn't, did you?

Evidently not. 

Those people died though, but why?

That was the saddest part. We don't know. 

This brings no one peace.

Peace doesn't come from ignorance. First there's the discovery, then the pain.. Peace follows truth, not fallacy. The lesson here is in understanding. Who. Why? We know the how.

I stood up from the grass and my pants were stained, then I noticed you. You looked so young. I didn't recognize your Sport's club colour's, Orange and Green - Or was it Yellow and Brown? That sweatshirt.. No, it was brown and red. Oh I can't remember! You asked me where I'd been? I told you, I can't remember! My phone was not working, everywhere I went there was no signal! You kept on about my disappearance! 

The garden is beautiful, I love the glass verandah. The lush foliage, divine.  But who are the two Oriental girls? They have gone into the kitchen now to make food, that was my kitchen once upon a time -  but oddly I don't feel jealous or resentful, I am resigned. I can't remember anything of my past, or even my present! Those girls look very young.. They stare at me with distrust..

Who is the black man? His eyes are burning into me, full of suspicion. He wants me gone from here.

You can't be here. That's why.

Who is he?

He is the demon. I told you about him before. He isn't here with me, he is actually following you.

No, he is not. I would have noticed. Why are you harbouring him?

You are pure, you wouldn't make air. He knows that, so he is attempting to lead you astray.

So where do I go now?

You have to find the route that was set for your journey. It's in front of you, but there are many paths leading away from your true path, so do not take the wrong one or you will end up back here.

So what, fuck it. Let's just forget it. I last played Snakes and Ladders aged nine, it is of no interest to me these days.

And the game continues. So do not attempt to adjust the mask of someone else before you have adjusted your own. Or back down the snake you will go.

I'm not behind the mask, nor giving up and sliding down. That's not what I meant.

No. Surrender is a different kind of demon. Do not surrender.

Tell me one last time.

The trick still works, don't forget. It's all in the mechanism of your mind. You have to remember how to use it!

 And remember Pluto. Always remember Pluto.

If you look for long enough, at the right time, in your peripheral sight, you can see your fate.

I can't do it.

Yes you can, keep following the path. The light is there, but visible only to the third eye. Open that eye. I have told you many times! Let the Tiger's devour your enemies. There is no obligation for you to do it yourself.

Yes, I will be very interested to see what it's like watching them be swallowed.

You have to leave now.

I'm walking towards the gate. The black man goes ahead of me and opens it. He is staring at me, but I don't look him in the eye, I don't want him to get inside my head.  It now closes quietly behind me. That world is gone, disappeared from view. What was that? What does it mean?

Time to go for lunch Tiny Fair. 

I'm still in that time warp. I was in the matrix.

But which is the matrix, and which is reality?

There is no reality. There is only where we are now.

Tomorrow I aim to be in St Tropez. You onboard?

Yes, why the fuck not. I mean nothing makes any sense so just roll with it.  

Roll with the nonsense.

Until the truth becomes the reality.

Yes, let's do it. And say we did not.

Remember Amsterdam?

Yes, it was fun. 

Attencion!!!

I remember, I fell from the kerb.

Ouai, L'herbe was strong.

It was Frenchy.

It was my Tiny Fair.

“Faut savoir s’étendre Sans se répandre.”

 

The holes in your life seem to signify some kind of terror, which I see as the signs of erasure.

Omitting something you mean, my life fragmented as opposed to rigidly upright and solid? Yes, you're right. But show me one person and I will find the holes. I don't care who they are.

The 4AM question of whether or not to make them the object of forgiveness, what with those green eyes searing straight through to my soul, I would not wear the shoes of those people for one single second, not with your flames of pure ice.  

We are but the Tholin's of Pluto. So I see no reason not to forgive, but then again I am not unconditional. Our paths crossed for a reason.

So poetic you are Frenchy - Who came first Pluto or Goofy?

Probably you, all sugar rush and roses greedy... Isn't it just like you? I got mine, you can wait until the morning, good night. Hahaha!

Yes, that's me.

Failure, it can be quite exotic. If you know you know. You don't seem to know.

Hmm, it's not exactly the same exotic as a snow leopard though, is it? I mean it's more the asshole, as opposed to the Orchid. Failure isn't something I ever set myself up for. Failure for me wasn't an option.  Despite the obstcles I've had thrown in my path, I've persevered through the rain and the storm. And I've walked through many storms.

Yes, I noticed you don't ever quit.

No I don't. I am tenacious. It took me 45 years to find an invisible  Mother who had no concept of what being a Mother actually entailed.. Josephine Baker she was not. She hadn't looked for us, not at all.  This I was aware of.  She'd moved on, new life, new kids.. But I never gave up. It was quite odd, but I only ever meant to observe her across a crowded room and only the once would have sufficed. But that's not how it turned out, there was too much pent up anger. 

     The childhood trauma of her not being there to protect me and my sister against evil predators was more than I could contain. All I could see in my mind was the neglect, the raw disgust of the sexual abuse, the starvation, the cruelty and violence, of feeling perpetually freezing cold - the pure madness... And her sat there - Just fat and unconcerned. 

But that gave me the drive to seek out a better life..  And on particularly rough days, when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%. And that's pretty good.

We have very different lives Frenchy..

This brings nobody peace, Tiny Fair. It's done.  It is an ancient war, the war between obsession and responsibility, and you do not bear any of the responsibility of what you went through as an innocent child.

But it will never finish and has been the same forever.  We are as forgotten now, as we were then.

There are limits, Tiny Fair.  Respect your head, don't let them inside your head. For they have not earned from you the love, nor respect you deserve. 

Erasure has many techniques, but only one result.

Yes, my advice is don't take your Samurai sword to work with you, even if it's bring your Samurai sword to work day.

Maybe this is all a mirage Frenchy.

It's not a mirage if it fucking hurts you.

Frenchy - This news just in..

Sources confirm that the woman who stole your heart has just been arrested..

Think for a moment and decide, whether you're an angel or a beast..

It's difficult to look at people with compassion when there are so many assholes around.

What about Bobbie? When does he get disinterred?

Tomorrow at 5AM.

Then the Crematorium?

Yes, I will go alone. I do not wish to share my emotions.

Ok Frenchy, I understand. So when will we take him home?

For Christmas, to my Mother in Paris.

Christ, if it were my Mother the last thing she'd want is a kid at her door, as ashes in a box or otherwise. She might welcome you as a bar of chocolate though, or a sammich.

Well my brother will be in a Golden urn surrounded by fresh flowers on the Gulf Stream. Sometimes the cost is of no consequence. It will be his final journey. 

We will follow the bright flickering flame, it will take us somewhere we have never been.

Ambush and a French Twist

 Frenchy, what is a pathological liar?

A mythomaniac?

Yes, whatever you call it.

A compulsive liar, someone who lies for seemingly no reason, or without a clear motive. Who are you thinking about? Me? Well my job.. So..

No! Not you! Dr Jimmy. He once told me never to listen to the sad girl in Belle Vue because she was a born liar, she told lies about everything, would swear black was white despite the obvious evidence. That she was a pathological liar, she couldn't help it. It was part of her illness and not to believe anything she said.

He's deflecting. A pure Narcissist, it's him with the problem. I would say the forensic psycology team will diagnose him with major NPD. Why you concerned?

I'm worried he will lie his way out of jail. He is a very convincing liar.

No, first of all he isn't, not to the trained ear, and secondly he can't. He can't lie his way out.  Stop fretting. Where's the car?

It fell down a hole.

What?

It fell down a hole. You can see the top of it, but I don't know how to get it out.

Are you for real?

I was distracted, I opened some kind of gate and it fell down. I don't think there's much damage, it went into water.

Not much damage? What the... Water?  Distracted by what? For Fucks Sake!

I saw an old man sat on my bed, I thought it was Arthur Miller.

Who the fuck is Arthur Miller?

He was an author...Yeah... Anyhow, I only thought it was him, but it wasn't. It was someone else who died a long time ago, he was a relation. But he looked a lot like him.

What did he want?

I don't know, he was sat staring at me but didn't say anything.

Silent message?

He tucked the bed covers in.

He's telling you to put something to bed maybe?

But what?

We will figure out. After we dig the car out.

Don't worry about the car, I'm selling my apartment, the real estate guy said he will sell it in a few hours.

Ohh.. How I despair.. Tiny Fair, you believe everything you're told. And that's a statement.

I do.

Yeah, it can be a problem. If he's selling it in a few hours it's because he's massively undervalued it.

Oh okay.

Which hole is the car in?

The one with water in.

That narrows it down.

It's okay, it's an ambush.

That group of cunning liars,  they devised a plan to ambush the  car as it crossed the bridge over the river. They set up a trap with fake road signs and lured the unsuspecting driver into the water. But little did they know, the driver was actually a skilled escape artist who managed to outsmart them and swim to safety. The masked gang of three were left empty-handed and humiliated, their devious plan foiled by their own delusions. As she watched the roof of the car sink below the dark waters, she smiled. 

See you soon guys.

Prove It

 Where's Dr Jimmy?

In solitary at Riker's.  He's not seeing daylight for a while.

If ever again. But I thought Riker's was shut down?

Not to him it isn't. Raping, murdering bastard. He was totally stunned when he was arrested, thought he'd got away with it after all these years. He didn't put up much of a struggle though, just resigned himself to his fate. I reckon he knew it was coming.

Innocent until proven guilty and all that.. He won't be enjoying the food that's for sure.. Any info on the repercussions of his arrest?

The aftermath was totally predictable. No one suspected a thing.  Neighbours said he kept to himself, he was not particularly friendly. A lone female neighbour said she always kept her door locked as he freaked her out, thought he was weird.   One small dog, girlfriend who was more approachable but not over familiar. Not many visitors.

She must have been shocked? The girlfriend. Almost as much as him!

Yes, she declared his innocence loudly as is the norm. More of a mother figure O'Malley said. He would never have put them together.  Him tall and skinny, her short and dumpy.  Quite a mismatch.

When is the indictment?

Tomorrow, Felony charges.

I have a feeling this won't go to trial, he will Epstein himself. He's walked as a free man for too long. His crimes are nothing to him now, he will have put them to the back of his mind.

Probably drank them away, I smelled the alcohol on him in Belle Vue.  He will have spent many years justifying his heinous actions and reached the conclusion that it was all so justifiable, and that he is actually the victim, the righteous, not them. Disgusting piece of shit. I hope he does off himself but prison time would hurt him more. I doubt he will come out of there alive either way. The pysch evaluation be interesting also. Though personally I reckon he's simply a narcississtic psycopath. No gray areas.

Do you think he killed any of the patients in his care?

Yes, probably. Raped them too. He needs to be in control, has the desire to overpower the weak. He would have got a serious sense of superiority from it all, enjoyed as people begged him not to hurt them.

Sick bastard. But there's no such thing as a superiority complex, it all derives from inferiority.

Who gives a fuck? Another one bites the dust.

Hopefully.

Yes. There is a God.

In the depths of Riker's Island Prison within a tiny, cold stark cell in PSEG,  prisoner number 24766-249 found himself swathed in a putrid green suicide smock, consumed by fear and despair. The walls closed in on him, echoing his own thoughts of murder and suicide. Because he was going to exact his revenge on the scum who had put him in here, in this disgusting stinking hell hole. How dare they? Didn't they know who he was?

But as the days passed, Dr Jimmy's wit and intellect became his saving grace, the time allowing him to craft elaborate stories in his mind to escape the darkness that threatened to consume him. 

And in the end, it was his storytelling that had kept him alive all these years, giving him hope and salvation in the face of his deepest fear of being found out. He had only raped because it was the victims own fault, only murdered the deserving. He had been doing the world a favor.

His stories had always helped him out before, why should now be different? 

Now, he was going to have to tell the biggest story of his life.

Walter Mitty had nothing on him. He knew that.

Dr Jimmy was the greatest story teller of all time. 

His next story would see him go free, as he would place himself firmly in the place of his victims.

If it's okay with you I'll just sit here and take me a rest

 He came rushing out of the doors from Harry's Bar on Rue Danou in Paris. His beautifully cut black woollen overcoat making a swirling drunken pirouette like a whirling dervish, before sinking gracefully in slow motion.  It was sublime, poetic. A stage fall like no other. I ran over to help him to his feet. He grinned up at me, all dark haired and blue eyed, so outrageously drunk, so bloody handsome! God he was looking like Delon! So goddam easy on the eye..

Get on with it for fucks sake!

Sorry.. He was laughing. I helped him up, it wasn't easy. He was heavy, and his uncontrollable laughter made it all the more difficult! Eventually he was composed and on his feet. 

Merci, Merci beaucoup ..

What the fuck did you drink in there? I want some! 

That made him laugh even more..

I'll take you back inside with me.

No need, we are regulars, just tell me the name of the drink..

Long Island Tea..

But of course, what else? Hmm.. Forget the Mai Tai's tonight.

We stared into each other's eyes for an eternity. There was something familiar, but I couldn't place him. As hard as I tried. I knew him, but I wasn't sure from where.

He was also trying to place me, he was about to say something, but hesitated, and then the moment was gone.

Was he the man who wasn't there?

No, no he wasn't. But who says there's only one? There could be many.

The family annihilator in Belle Vue.

What about him?

Did you pick anything up from him?

Yes. He is in total denial. He believes his own untruths unfortunately. Nothing you can do to rectify that. Man brainwashes self - read the headlines.

Now let's go back to the hapless wannabe soldier of fortune.

The body in the trunk of the car. He drove around with that for some time. She was a whore no?

Sex worker you mean? Bloody hell Frenchy... All pre 1944 you are...I don't believe he did that, I think his mother did it.

Vraiement?

Ouai. They were in a relationship, I read their mail. It wasn't regular Mother and Son stuff, like I hope you're eating your Brussel Sprouts..  It was more - hey sexy, what underwear are you wearing today, I hope you are wearing the black lace panties I bought you.. type stuff.

Fuck.

Yes. I was shocked, but not shocked totally nude sall I say? It wasn't so surprising really. If you witnessed their interaction, it was fairly obvious. And obviously she was the instigator, he was a child at the time. So he was a victim also.

That made him misogynistic? The Oedipus complex?

Jocasta Complex also.

Probably. How could he develop normal relationships with women when he was still stuck on the tit? Being spoon fed by Mammy dearest. He had no needs, no wants, she satisfied them all, to keep a hold of him, he could never leave. Until the fateful day he brought someone else in to satisfy his needs. And well look what happened to her. Dead in the trunk of the car.

So you think his Mother did it?

Well she was beside herself with jealousy. She had the whiskey problem, rage issues..  She was afraid of losing him. The sex worker woman posed a threat. Their incestuous secret may also be unearthed. I think perhaps he was trying to break free from all of that. A sex worker is the obvious answer, he couldn't converse and act normally with ordinary women.

He's a high security prisoner. Cat A.

I don't know why, she's more dangerous.

She's dead.

Oh well, then she is no longer a threat. You want to ask him anything?

I don't know, maybe there's a connection.

To the carpet body?

Yeah.

No, the DNA doesn't match.

So our suspect's definitely not in CODIS?

No. But someone in his family is.

Oh and you know this how?

Familial DNA.

Does he have any priors? Any DUI's?

Yes there is one according to our contact, but no swabs were taken. It wasn't required then.

Not much to go on?

It's all circumstantial right now.

Do you remember the Lilac wine experiment?

Not much of it. I remember the headache!

Care to repeat?

Not really, I make a lousy Shamen, and throwing up is a fucking horrible thing for me.. Maybe I'll ask Sadhu, he has a way of connecting the disconnected. I'll call him tonight. 

You're doomed—may you never fathom who you are! 

This is Jocasta's penultimate line in Oedipus the King, spoken just before she exits the stage. Jocasta's words reveal that she has put the pieces together and understands what actually happened in the past.. 

Ever thought of dying totally unholy?

Yesterday, upon the stair,

I met a man who wasn't there

He wasn't there again today

I wish, I wish he'd go away...

Ah. This one.

Yes. Now do you understand?

I never understood until now what was actually happening, but eventually as with most things, the answer was revealed in time.

Those mysterious events in your life that you don't quite comprehend. They are never anything pleasant, are they?  Rather they are troublesome, worrying and sometimes downright frightening. Confusion reigns. Because you don't understand what is happening with your life. And then a woman visited me, she said that someone had been writing her letter's, saying the most terrible things about me and my family.

An old enemy? Neighbour? Disgruntled colleague?

I thought so too, but she said no. Guess again.  And then she told me who the anonymous writer was. I was shocked. But then again.

Jealousy.

Yes, probably, but so much venom, so much hatred, the letters were more than disturbing. How could I not have known? 

No, how could you possibly have  known?

I thank god that woman told me, but she herself was troubled and worried about this person's sanity, and my safety. As she stated, it was overkill. I was advised to say nothing to anyone about anything,  leave quietly before someone got killed.  Which I did. I've had life threatening situations before, but not like this.

 As in all matters,  eventually a clue is exposed, and then you begin to put the  pieces of the puzzle together. This is clarity, something you get during those rare moments of lucidity. That happened to me following my transition. Everything became startlingly clear. I sought the counsel of my Guru in London. He's high on the spiritual ladder. A sadhu.

I knew you'd have one of those somehow.

Well they are the enlightened.  And initially you feel like you're going crazy. A Sadhu puts everything back into perspective and put you on your pathway to learning. Understanding your own spiritual journey.

I was stood leaning against the car one night. It was pitch black outdoors. Nothing, no light no sound. And then suddenly a ball of light dropped into the tree in front of me. Then another, and another. As I turned to race back indoors, I noticed a blue light glowing from inside my car. Then I knew these were events beyond my control and I had to learn to embrace them instead of run away. 

What happened next?

I saw the man who wasn't there. And I've seen him several times since too. Last night I walked into an empty house, or I thought it was empty. The lounge area was darkened except for light from the TV screen. The sofa had become a bed, almost filling the entire room. The man stood up, he embraced me. His hair was dark and dishevelled, I noticed he had shaved one side of his head. He asked me if I understood, I told him I did, and let's get out of here for a shortwhile. Go and seek some light. He agreed. But he was weak, and he struggled. I stayed with him until he disappeared. He seemed happy, he smiled at me as he vanished into thin air. But he will reappear at some stage.

What stands out in your memory?

I was struggling to light the central heating boiler, it was brand new and had recently been fitted. The engineer showed up and told me there was no way it wasn't working, it was new and there were no faults showing on his handheld meter.  The motherboard was replaced, but it still wouldn't work. That's when he found a black plastic bin liner deliberately placed inside in the flue, to stop the fumes from escaping. The new boiler had a safety feature to prevent carbon monoxide leaking back into the house. Because the flue was blocked it wouldn't switch on. 

Who blocked the flue?  The same person who wrote the letters?

Well the Police said it could be an attempted murder as they had heard something but didn't want to go into it right there and then. It was logged and we were given security. 

So you are all dead, and the murderer removes the blockage from the flue and it's presumed you died of Carbon Monoxide poisoning - the perfect crime.

But who would do that?

Someone who has killed before and has no conscience about it. The first thing the Police do when someone is murdered is look for someone who has done it before.

But what if he has never been caught before?

And what if it's the perfect murder? Goes undetected?

No, it would have been detected. I had a camera on the door. I saw who did it. This person is dangerous. I'm ready to leave now. 

You shouldn't even be here. Here, sign this and go. 

Thanks. Where's Frenchy?

He's outside the gates waiting for you. Tiny Fair.. Be careful out there.

I'm safer out there than you know.

You know I've been watching you.

Hello Mr Sadhu.

You have a scent, I have noticed this scent before on only certain people.

Really? Not Dior then?

No, it's deeper than that. You have the scent of one of the chosen few.

Oh shit. I'm not sure I can go there with you on that, it's kind of cultish.

Call it what you like, I know the scent. And you have it.

Frenchy, pull yourself together, we are going to Miami.

What for?

I have to go to the Island's.

Their issues are not my fault.

Not my circus, not my monkey's.

Once upon a time in a small village, there lived a young woman who was the target of jealousy and hatred from an unknown enemy,  someone who pretended to be her friend but who was most certainly not. Who attempted to murder her out of envy for her beauty and kindness and perceived happiness and success.  However, she survived the evil plot and exposed the lies of the evil monster, who was eventually banished from her life for their wicked ways. Despite the hardships she faced, her resilience and courage prevailed, proving that even in the face of darkness, goodness will always triumph over evil.

Yeah, I kind of like that. Very Princessy. You check the flights?

Yes we can get one first thing. But let's shower and eat. Cipriani's I think. Here's the cab.

Oh no, it's the same driver with flames coming from his head..