Listen To the Blood Drip, Oozing From His Curled Lip

Often times I have been told I walk quietly. 

So silent that I scare people when I seem to “pop up” in the same room. Apparently I was doing just this when I walked down the stairs intending to go into the family room. Before I turned the last corner into the room, I stopped dead in my tracks for I heard my name come out of somebody's mouth. My mother was talking to someone on the phone and said something like this.. Yes she does really irrational things and she won't own up to it. The other day she ran away and sliced her wrists up.. She laughed. She actually laughed at me!

Ahhh... How insensitive. Your Mother?

Yes, speaking to her work colleague! Okay so yes, I did slice my wrists up, but to hear of it being spoken over the phone to a stranger, and then to laugh about it!

Yeah well, that's people for you. Maybe your Mother isn't the best confidante. Or the best fucking Mother actually...

She cares only about herself. Watched me struggle in my life while she got breast implants, hair extensions, veneer's.. I had to work my way through Uni, I was exhausted doing double shifts in a bar and studying all the while. I used to fall asleep during classes..  In the meantime she lived only for chasing men with  Ferrari's. She didn't show up to my Graduation. That's why I split my wrists, that's why I'm in here.

What else you do?

I killed her. I put a knife through her implant. I wasn't meaning to kill her, I was just so angry. I was poking at the implant, it made me sick, I went too far that day, it all got out of hand.

It's okay, I understand. I don't think it was intentional?

No, I was wanting to hurt her in the same way she hurt me. I could do nothing to please her.

Did Dr Jimmy ever treat you?

Yes, but I don't want to talk about him.

Okay. You got a reason for that?

Yes, he used to take advantage of the women at shower time when he was on watch, but I really don't want to say anymore. Everyone is frightened of him in here.

It's ok, you don't need to.

I heard a rumor about him though.

Oh yes?

Yeah.. He had a baby with his mother.

Oh, I didn't hear that, maybe it's a chinese whisper. Because he never really knew his mother. I heard he may have got someone in his family pregnant, but even though she thought he was her brother, he was actually her uncle! I know way more, but I can't tell you in here.

Okay Tiny Fair. Will you visit me when you get out?

Yes sure I will. How long you got left?

15 to 20.

Oh that's a long time, Okay I will see you, or call or write. I promise.

Okay Tiny, by the way. You should talk to Angel. She knows Dr Jimmy.

I thought Angel was dead?

Well she is, but I can wake her up for a little while. I will ask in advance, as she likes to rest peacefully and waking her reminds her of the horror of what happened that night.

Good loving gone bad?

Yes. And he is a bad man.

Well he's a crazy man, that's for sure. Did he have anything to do with her disappearance?

Yes, she was unfortunate enough to walk into his clutches when he was high after a rock concert, binge drinking, high on speed he'd stolen from the nursing home he worked at and now looking for someone to rape. He met her. She was never seen again. Until her body was discovered anyhow.

And you can speak to her?

Yes, I can. 

Okay. D'accord. And leave the cutting alone. Your pain isn't your fault. Your Mother is the Narcissist here, not you. But who knows what happened to her.

She was raped by her brother.

Not another one. For fucks sake. Oh that guy there, what did he do? What's he in here for?

He's a family annihilator.

Who me? You talking about me?

No sorry, I was just wondering who you were.

You mean you never heard of me?

No, but then I'm not from the US.

Oh okay lady. Yeah you know I shouldn't be here. They say I murdered my family for the inheritance, but it's not true. It was my sister who murdered the family. She was schizo.

Ah, oh okay. Not nice for you. How awful. How did they pin it on you?

All circumstantial, there was no evidence. But the Jury ruled not in my favour. 

How did she kill the entire family?

She shot them during a mental break.

And you carried the can.

Yup.

Wow.

Yeah, wow. The entire planet knows it was you, you schmuck.  You thought you were smarter than the cops. Maybe you were for a while, but unfortunately, you were not smarter than the scientists. 

Back to this.

Money.

Sex.

Motives are pretty predictable. First look for the motive.

Timelines Frenchy, the timeline is crucial. Put your suspect in the locale, find the motive and you have your man.

So the motive was sex.

No, the motive was money. Look at the timeline.

Two victims found after a vicious home invasion. Suspect was within a 2 mile radius. Actual fact it was 1 mile.

Victim found after going missing. Suspect again was within a 2 mile radius.

Victim after victim. He was around there somewhere.

The suspect was within a radius of a couple of miles even though the vicinities are different, he was either living or working close by. This person moves around a lot. He goes missing for long periods of time. Possibly abroad. He has never been questioned about any of these crimes. He is not in CODIS.

Profile?

Male, 55 - 75 YOA,  possibly a professional, salesman, shopworker, teacher, nursing assistant something of that nature,  definitely not a labourer or building contractor but that is just my opinion. Sporty or athletic given his ability to overpower and subdue his victims. So yes, possibly a tall guy with a muscular stature. All round good guy given that no one suspects what he has done. Probably feigning the happy family routine. Church goer.  The darkside of  him, what is he concealing. Erratic upbringing, I don't know. The prerequisite difficult relationship with his Mother? That's almost always prevalent. Maybe his scoutmaster pulled his trollies down and rear ended him, this man is angry. He blames the world for his failures. He hates women for sure.

He isn't going to stop.

We need to find the guy whose wife he was sleeping with.

Why?

He dragged him out of bed and headbutted him, gave him a busted lip. Do you think that went unavenged?

No?

No. It did not.

Run Like A Rabbit Run, You'll Take A Beating Son, Run Run Run

Let me write a tale to make you think you're someone

I've got an idea.

I don't want to hear any more of your bright ideas. I am so fucked up, I know we are never getting out of here. Not with your help anyhow, I'm going to have to mastermind this plan, and I am too fucking lazy to be in charge of complex decisions and plans.

Maybe if your acting like a lunatic wasn't so damned convincing, you might stand a chance of getting out!

I hate you. I also hate my dramatic arts tutor right now also for teaching me the art of illusion.

Yes! You hate me! That's an emotion I can deal with hate. At least you aren't indifferent! There's a a very fine line between love and hate, I am sure it's love you feel! You will feel love soon my darling!

Fuck off..

Did you eat anything? I can't eat, not with someone sat in front of me food falling from their mouth, smearing it across their hideous faces- it's grotesque. I am in a circus.

So, all Circus's need a ring master, change your uniform. Or become a clown.

We are two clowns right now.

No, let them believe that we are the clowns. You may be Mr Pierrot, but I am definately planning on becoming  the ring master of this particular charade.

What happened last night? I didn't see you. I imagined you had found the least disgusting bed, as you say.

I didn't sleep. I sat in the TV room, all night alone - well alone except for Dr Jimmy.

He was there?

He was watching me through the toughened glass. I was watching him watching me. But you know, they are on the other side, they feel like they are in control, but in reality, it's the unquiet and slightly disturbed who are in control.

What did he do? Dr Jimmy.

Nothing, he was quiet, he didn't speak, just stared menacingly. You know, half grinning, chewing on a slice of Brownie, like he was waiting for the right moment to pounce. I just rocked back and forth in my chair watching cartoons, turning my gaze back to him. There he was, all superior, in charge, with his pocket full of pills and liquid cosh close at hand.. but at the same time he seemed perplexed - frustrated even -  trying to figure me out. But you know that will never happen. Even I can't figure me out.

I can.

Yes, well you're you, and in fairness you are a professionally trained figurerer outer.

Did they take your phone or did you hide it before you came here?

It's in your apartment, why?

We need to look at how many devices are logged into your account.

Why?

Incase someone has tried to track you.

Who would do that? The Arab?

Possibly, maybe the Cuban's?

Why would they do that now after all this time?

I don't know, just a thought.

Well the phone will track back to Manhattan, so good luck with that. Anyhow, I would know, I'm not completely stupid.

My ex put a GPS on my phone when I was having an affair with a blonde in New Jersey.

Well you should have gotten her arrested Frenchy, it's stalking, coercive control, harrassment.. Call it what you will. I will check when I get out of here, but I doubt anyone is tracking me. Plus one of the two Cuban's is dead.

How do you know?

I saw his photo on a refrigerator, it had an X marked through it.

Neutralized?

No, natural causes.

Ah. Also interesting. Did you hear of a mailing service called namecheap, privateemail.com?

No, I don't think so. I use millitary grade email servers courtesy of a friend. 

I received a strange email today from that email address.  

They let you in the mail room? 

Yes, under supervision. That mail stood out in my inbox, as it was specifically addressed to my name but the message didn't make any sense. Something about malicious content was reported and is being investigated. Just wondered if you had received anything similar.

I haven't checked my inbox on the normal servers for 10 years Frenchy.

Okay, maybe do so when you get released.

Just more crap I really cannot be arsed with Frenchy.

Be arsed. As you say.

Hey Dr Jimmy! Are you married? Do you have any kids?

What's it to you loon?

I just wondered, you seem like such a nice caring guy, I'm sure your kids are wonderful?

Well, yes. I have 2 girls and a boy.

Oh how darling! with your wife?

Yes, well no. Not so much. What the fuck..Three kids to three different women.. Okay?  All of those women are pyschopaths though, right? They belong in here with you lot!

Oh why?

Look. I see one daughter intermittenly, my son never, and my other daughter I never met. Their mother's are pyschopaths!

Oh why is that? Did you drive them to insanity because you are the man made of feuilletée, more layers then an onion? Are you the onion man?

Onion man? I am a dangerous fucking man LOON. Get out of my fucking way! You wanna find out how dangerous I am? You wanna shot of Thorazine up your ass?

Sorry Dr Jimmy.. I will go away.

Good! Bitch!! You'd better. 

...Yeah Dr... Yeah, I'm a bitch alright...

Oh, one more thing Dr Jimmy.

What the fuck bitch!!

There's a baby hidden behind the garage. I think that's also one of yours.

Right bitch! I'm going for the dart gun. Thorazeeeening you right up until next week...Mental fucking bitches.. Arggghhh!

Thorazine Dr Jimmy? What's wrong with a knife or a hammer?

Right bitch. You are done.

Frenchy, I'm in.

Be careful Tiny Fair. He is possibly one of the worst ever. And he fits every profile. We just need that goddam ADN.

But he shaves his head and is meticulous he leaves no evidence anywhere.

He will slip up soon.

In the darkened corridors of the Belle Vue mental hospital, Dr Jimmy was known by staff for his gentle demeanor and soothing words. But behind his kind facade, he harbored a dark secret - he was systematically drugging the mentally ill patients, raping, abusing and slowly poisoning them to death. Other staff were oblivious to his sinister actions, until one brave patient, who had managed to hold onto her sanity, uncovered Jimmy's deadly scheme. With her help, the authorities were able to apprehend Dr Jimmy before he could claim any more innocent lives. And as he was led away in handcuffs, the patients finally felt a sense of relief, knowing they were safe from his murderous grasp.

But Dr Jimmy was as slippery as an eel.  

He was officially dead.

So now we're on the death trip.

 

Metamorphosis

 What happened to you during your transition?

I don't know, it was the strangest of occurances. I mentally kept sliding back into another time, a different dimension. I had no control over the sensation, it crept up on me out of the blue.

 No matter where I was, in the shower, driving, drinking coffee on my terrace - I felt as if I was experiencing some kind of flashback, running it through in slow motion like a video recording.  The feeling affected me physically too. Horror, panic, rapid heartbeat -  and then I would feel a burning sensation surging through my veins, burst into tears and the finale was to actually throw up!

  I fell asleep after one of these episodes and woke up to a bright light in my darkened room, the blindingly white flashes of lightening, accompanied by horrendous thunder. I sat on the side of the bed, the power cut out but the room was lit well enough by the lightening bolts. I didn't feel any fear which is unusual for me.  I eventually fell into a deep sleep. In the morning the sun shone brightly through the uncovered windows. I was laying upside down on my bed, head towards the footboard. I sat up and a feeling of happiness surged through me. The transition was complete. I just knew.

I ran down your stairs, I was convinced you had done something. But there you were, the sunlight on your face, in your hair, smiling, laughing almost.  I knew then we had to be in this thing together, I never wanted to leave your side ever again. And that you had all the answers.

Oh Frenchy, I wish I did. but I don't.

But you do my Tiny Fair. You do.

So now what?

Well I have gotten you into a fine mess haven't I?

You sure have. 

Think back to St James's Place.

What about it?

The art gallery.

What was in there?

Not what, but who?

 

Do I have lines on my face yet?

 How did you get here?

By cab.

No, I mean how did you get in here? Inside the farm?

By cab I told you. I flagged a taxi down and jumped in the back seat. I told the driver he had flames coming from his head and that they were his dead friends trying to communicate with him. He drove me straight here, to the door.  I was Ativanned by dart gun and told to find the least disgusting bed and get into it. They don't give a fuck. The hallucinations were epic. How did you get in here?

I fell asleep on a bench in Central Park, I was so tired of being awake after three days with no sleep I was hallucinating.  I was woken up by the police who told me they had enough people like me in the city, and I would be taken to the hospital and then flown back to where I came from as I was using up resources meant for the people who live here. I am overwhelmed by the care and attention. 

Be grateful then, bastard. And we still need to get out. I can't believe I followed you blindly with no exit plan. 

Getting out. That might be easier said than done.  Anything interesting? some of the shit going down in here is amusing in a way.

What's amusing about the disassociated? I met a girl who had been raped by her Uncle as a child, she'd had a stillborn baby, hidden it. He works here. She calls him Doctor Jimmy.

So she will never go free while Uncle needs to keep her quiet.

No, he will keep her crazy for as long as is necessary. Probably forever.

Poor woman. So her life is effectively over?

It was over the moment he threw her onto the ground and forced himself onto her, she was 12 years old.

And then a pregnancy to conceal.

She told me he took her to the family crypt, a veiled threat in my opinion, look where you're going to end up if you run your mouth. No one will look for you here.  There's no justice. She can't talk to law enforcement, he's already poisoned the well. She's mentally unstable. Not to be believed, no credibility. I'd like to visit the crypt, apparently he concealed something there. He also made a startling confession, that he was responsible for an unsolved murder but that he could blame his father? DNA doesn't work that way, unbelievably naiive for a genius. Doctor Jimmy is evil personified. We need to be careful of him.

Wow, another crazy who actually does belong in here. Does she have any family?

She does have a mother, but apparently she's off her head - and her meds. They never had any relationship. Her mother was allegedly more interested in escorting wealthy men, she fell pregnant and married one and had other kids. She's wiped her past clean. So there seems little point in tracking her down. There are siblings, but they've lost touch, no contact in twenty years or so.

The human condition.

This is far from human? What makes a person think they have the right to violate another person? What gave him the right to do that? And then have everyone believe she is just another nutjob? Where does this end?

It doesn't. But please don't get messed up with other cases, we have to focus on why we are here. Any word on the Arab?

I need to speak to the old man with the gray beard. He's delerious most of the time but does have moments of lucidity. I shook his hand, he made my blood run cold. He carries a tiny copy of the Quran. I'm going to follow him around and try and get him to talk. Got to be careful of him though, his body count is unprecedented. Even though he never actually pulled one single trigger personally. 

Oh, the Alchemy of the unquiet mind.

You can't pathologise every behaviour and emotion. No one is text book. The only thing text book are the meds. One size fits all, keeps us all quiet and compliant. 

No, you're right. 

Riots are holy, don't fuck around with explanations.

Anyhow, time to drink too much coffee and start eating the plaster off the walls.

What's wrong with eating pebbles? Or shit?

Did you know that a surge of happiness is diagnosed as a manic episode in here?

I'm waiting. For my surge of happiness.  But if you smile at a Doctor Jimmy, it only brings you more medication, feeling's are prohibited.

It's easy to stop being human, just become a bunch of diagnoses with a body attached.

A body attached to shuffling slippers. That sound alone is enough to drive anyone crazy.

The overpowering desire for death is tangible.

I am beginning to understand crazy. 

Alone now in the dimly lit hospital tunnel, the struggle with the confusion brought on by the medication as she grappled with the side effects, the dark thoughts intruding into her mind - the deathwish that seemed to offer the only escape from her pain. But just as she reached for the pills she had sequestred inside her brassiere, Dr Jimmy approached her with a reptilian smile and a condescending word, reminding her that there is always hope and help available. And in that moment, the powerlessness she once felt as that 12 year old innocent girl engulfed her once again as the Doctor lifted her thin cotton gown and forced himself inside her. Ssh. No point in screaming, no one can hear you. No one will believe you. I am superior. You are nothing. Unwanted, unloved, one of the discarded. You deserve this, oh yes, you deserve everything bad that ever happened to you. Because you are dirt.

But you said you loved me?

Oh, did I? I'm sorry! No one could ever love you. Dirtbag. 

Transition

 Often people can't sleep because there are things they need to think about, because they are at a life transition point. This is an important life lesson.

No need for meds, it's a natural progression on life's journey.

Cherish your own transition and the insights gained.

 All kind of shit happens in life. Be open about who you are, and stay protected from the white coats and all the harm they do, as well as people who pretend to have your best interests at heart - they are the sharks.

 There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance, it's to get you on lifelong meds. Mostly this happens to the poor and unemployed but trust me, the minute you walk through the door of psychiatry, it's a case of downward spiralling all the way to the bottom. And there is no bottom. It's fathomless.

Truth is the best medicine.

Speak your truth.

Stay mad, stay crazy but above all..

Stay toxic.

Love,

Frenchy

Human Menagerie

Frenchy! I'm here by the window, can you see me?

Yes, but I can't get to you because of the cages, you're all boxed in.

To keep you out or keep me in?

I don't know - a bit of both.

I think It's to prevent us falling to our deaths should we try to escape. 

But we aren't trying to escape. Not right now anyhow.

I am. I've seen this show before.

What did they pump you up with?

Risperidone, Chlorpromazine - You?

Yeah, that and something else, I didn't see. 

Ativan probably.

The dart gun?

Yeah... that hurt.

Are they taking you down to Ward C?

Only if we don't get out of here. But don't worry, the days of shoving a whisky soaked rag in your mouth are long gone.

Im not convinced.

There's no sense to any of this, it's all beginning to fade around the edges, get hazy. Is this real or are we in a dream?

I don't know, keep pushing. We have to get out of here.

You are bizarre, hysterical, mysterious. Oh, and very good looking!

I'm in a hyper dreamlike state. Can you see your hands?

No, can you?

No.  I feel like I'm floating above you, looking down at you.  And I am seeing shadows in my peripheral sight, but I'm not going to turn and look at them because I know they are dead people, all talking at the same time,  all of them asking me questions at the same time. Asking me what happend to them?  I'm trying to block them out. 

Oh God here we go.

I saw a blue bicycle. It was a childs, the type with three wheels.  A man came from the side door and picked it up, he was crashing it against the brick walls and screaming, foam was forming around his lips and his neat hair was suddenly flopping around his eyes. The rage. The rage was consuming him. In that split second I saw a small child, I think it was a girl. She was curled up and screaming, terrified. The man lifted the bike above his head and brought it down upon her, over and over again. There's a lot of blood.  I think she's dead. I'm running now, he knows I saw him. He's coming for me. I think there are two graves already dug. He is screaming we should be dead, we should both be dead.

The little girl, she is moving. She is dazed. Blood is coming from her head. I am frozen. Did she just move? No, she must be dead. He calls for an ambulance, I am stood frozen to the spot. My eyes wide with terror, open mouthed.. 

She fell from her bicycle do you hear me?

I am not actually dead, not in the physical realm, I am still very much alive. But the spirit within me is dead. He killed my inner spirit. Without that there is no meaning to life. Each day you function, you eat, breathe and sleep. But inside you are dead. There is no joy, only a dark empty space. The invisible brightness of the light of life is extinguished.

Who was the man that did that to you?

He was my Father.

But why would your Father do that to you?

He resents me because I am alive, I was the reason his wife, my mother left him. She could not bear to look at me. 

But you are so vulnerable, so small.

I am small. I was born with many defects because my mother was an alcoholic. She drank heavily ignoring the fact that I was growing inside of her. I am mentally and physically defective. My spine is twisted and deformed. I cannot walk properly. I was born after a brutal attack on my pregnant mother by my Father who was himself a tortured and demented soul, his own Father tormented by the fact he had killed his own twin brother as a child.  My Father attempted to kill us both. My mother and myself.  I died in Utero. They brought me back. How I wished they had not.

But you were dead? How did they bring you to life?

After my expulsion, I was administered oxygen, my heart began to beat, but technically there was little brain activity. I began to breathe unaided. But I was dead. I still am. I walk, slightly and talk but I have no spirit. There was once a flicker, but that was totally extinguished.

How?

By my Uncle.

What did he do?

He raped me. While I was still a child. 

Oh my God.

There was a baby. I hid the baby.

You hid it where?

In a carrier bag. It had no face. There was a hole where there should have been a nose, it's eyes were sealed shut. It breathed short sharp breaths with a rattling noise, and then it went quiet, and limp. The baby turned cold and blue.

Where did you put the baby?

I hid it behind a derelict garage. It was never discovered.

You delivered the baby alone?

Yes. In the bathroom of my Aunt's house. She never went upstairs, her mobility was impaired. She never knew. No one knew. 

I understand why your spirit is dead.

I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be anywhere else. I don't know who I am. I never knew who I was. I only knew that I was unwanted. That I didn't belong to anyone.  It was better that the baby I had should be hidden away forever. So no one could hurt it in the same way they hurt me.

What happened to your Uncle?

He is the quintessential nice guy next door. No one suspects anything. He probably can't rape anymore, but who knows who his victims are?

He died once too, but it was a lie. He said he was dead but he was still alive.

How did he die?

In an aircrash.

Jesus. So he is dead but still alive?

Yes, something like that. But he has many victims. Also dead and alive. Are you looking for him?

No, I'm looking for the Arab.

But the Arab is dead.

No, they are not. I'm convinced they are alive still.

Who are you avenging?

I am avenging a third light, the spirit I carry with me as a small light. Look, it hovers just above my right shoulder, a tiny blue light.

Yes I can see it, it moves. Be careful in here, they are watching you.

I see that. I am watching for that dark haired woman in glasses who carries the dart gun.

Ah yes, that takes away all the pain. Enjoy it, it takes you into another dimenson. 

I don't care much for it. Or her, she's a fucking sadist.

My Uncle visited me last night.

What? The rapist?

Yes, he came in the darkness of the night to the side of my bed, and left chocolate.

Why would he do that?

He needs to know where I am. 

He needs to know if you're going to talk more like. He's looking at life behind bars.

No, he's so in love with me, he told me.  And I love him.

Oh my God. He is counting the days to your death so he can assume he got away with what he did to you. Please don't let him near you.

I got to get out of here. Frenchy, the Arab isn't here, tell your comrades to get us out.

We were supposed to be brought in together, but we are separated! My head is up my ass right now, I can't think straight.

Get us out!

I can't they won't let me use the phone.

Good fucking Lord.

Hey, Missy. My Uncle does the Lord's work. He rids us of all the evil doer's in the World, do you know who he is?

No I don't, he's a rapist and a potential murderer, I don't want to know who he is.

He's right here, coming for you. He has the dart gun to soothe your psyche and later he will wash your brain. He will electrocute your skull until your brain is as smooth as a pebble. He is the lovliest person you ever met in your life, it doesn't matter he is evil, he can't help it! He really can't!

Look! Here he comes!

Hello Doctor Jimmy!

We are but lunatics banded together to uncover the truth. As we delve deeper into abandoned buildings, and warped minds, locked rooms appear filled with long dead corpses and the remains of unwanted babies and children begging to be set free. 

 Shocked and horrified, we realise the dark past of their tormentor's and vow to bring justice to the innocent souls lost within the walls of darkness.  Our determination and bravery ultimately will lead to disclosure, but the memories of the dead and tortured will haunt us forever.