People don't like it when you talk to them with your weapon drawn

 My dreams are like a passive war, that I can't wake up from. I'm totally fucked up, confused.

That happens sometimes. What did you see?

Nothing different. Same house, the same weather, damp and cold..

The clothes?

The same clothes, in the same place. In the same bag. There's nothing to add. I don't intend to go back there.

Except this time was an improvement, you didn't throw up!

Worms crawling in and out of a skull. White shirt, black trousers. It's not so much the clothing, it's where it was concealed. And not the type of outfit you might expect a serial killer to wear.

Why? What would you expect them to wear?

I don't know, I never gave it any thought, but not black trousers and a white shirt.

Can you see any faces?

No, not really. The car disappeared not long afterwards though.

They bought another car?

No, they started traveling by motorcycle. And when the heat was on, they disappeared abroad until things cooled down according to the old man.

Why a bike?

To move unnoticed within a certain group? That's my hunch.

Do you have any timeline for that period?

No, I can't remember anything.

So fuck it?

That is the word.

What were you wearing?

Probably jeans, I rarely wore anything else. Jeans and Chanel No19 was my uniform. Always Chanel. Could have been No5 actually, 19 possibly came a little later.

Who was your boyfriend at that time?

Some guy in a band. Lead guitar.

And him, who was he, what was his name?

William I think.. Or was that his surname? I really can't recall. He was tall with long black hair, I met him at the Club. 

So you remember Spring of that year?

Vaguely. I was mixing with a lot of arabs and playboys. Nothing much to remember. Why do you keep on taking me back there?

I'm trying to awaken your vision, but maybe there is trauma attached.

Trauma? Well I can guarantee there will have been plenty of that floating around!

Where were you living at the time of blue jeans and Chanel No5?

I don't know, possibly at home by around April that year. Until mid summer when I moved into an apartment with a new boyfriend, but I thought I must have been much older than I was, I have no definitive dates.

You were still a baby.

I suppose I was.

You most defintely were. Jesus.

I had to grow up quickly. You know my kid is at University and she's 3 years into a 5 year criminology course, I worry about her so far from home, and there was I. Always far from home. 

She's going to be a cop?

No, back room. Forensics. Not so fucking brave as you frontliner's are!

 Braver, in my opinion. So come on you, unlock this timeline. You are getting very close!

I do remember something though.

Go.

The old man, he told me something strange. About the guy that lived next door. He said he saw him late one night and he was covered in blood.

You just remembered that?

Yes.

What else did he tell you? Don't let the wave recede, keep it flowing.

He said he asked him if he was hurt, what with all the blood.

And?

The guy said he had been involved in an accident, but that he wasn't badly injured.

How much blood?

The old man said he was covered all over his face.

But he said that he was uninjured?

Yes.

Did you ever see the young guy yourself?

Yes, a day or so later, in the local bar, I asked him about it.

And what was his response?

That he was involved in an accident, and the old man was exaggerating. It was a small cut.

What happened after that? Did you see any injuries?

I can't remember. Maybe a small cut.

You heard about the murders when? Before or after that encounter?

I can't recall. I wasn't really one for following the news. Probably afterwards. 

You didn't put the two together?

No. There was no reason to.

Except there was a heinous act commited less than two kilometres away!

I didn't have any concept of distances back then, I didn't drive! For all I knew, it all happened a million miles away!

Accepted. I have no further questions. This proceeds as is. You know Tiny Fair, you can do whatever you want. 

I am having a vision, so please leave me be.

Do not let anyone shit on your universe.

No my darling. I am stretched out on your long couch, my hair is a tangled mess, but my mind is not.

I really led myself astray

 I'm visible, but not everyone can see me.

Soften your heart before it's too late.

Judgement of me is a luxury you can't afford.

You may yet find your way home.

But where is home?

How do you feel being the voice in a Universe that doesn't yet exist?

I'm like a disposable tissue, not yet disposed of.

You're fucked. your hasty, too hasty. In everything!

And you're like a bloody cannibal. Feeding from me!

Look, use this stick. Once across the head should be enough.

I'm sick of your billionaire compassion.

You're losing your manners, every ounce of your unreliability and vulnerability is on display right now.

Click here to bend, click here to withstand.

As I said, all your issues are on display right now.

You're empty. Some fucking system you live by.

It began with love.

It was lust.

I used to think pain was meaningful.

It's just that we don't like the reality.

But the dark forest sparkled and it was too late to turn around.

We dismissed the truth, it was too dark.

A disposable tissue, not disposed of.

Listen to me, I am telling you!

If you think I'm not suffering, get your head examined.

Bingo!

This is going to be a long flight.

When you climb a tree, you climb it alone.

I'm going to call your wife.

You are going to brand yourself?

No, free myself.

At least I got you on board.

Yes, thank god I learned to swim.

You had some lunch?

No thank you, I can't eat when my stomach feels full of doubt and anxiety.

We are very close to the truth.

But with the truth only comes more pain.

You. You. You.

Yes, me. I cry when I need to.

Passion is your gift, but sadness is in the blood that courses through your veins.

Passion, sadness.. It's my core.

As I said before, your gifts are only real if there's proof. Oh why won't you fucking smile?

I was not supposed to be like this, breathing.

But you are.

Your kiss is like a hurricane.

And well we all know how dangerous those can be.

Did you speak to him?

No, not yet. He will call me later. Or not. He needs to run now.

You are resilient.

But only with proper rest, so goodnight.

But you're calling out warnings!

So listen to them.

You are crying like a dog left out in the rain.

I am studying my own negativity, I don't want the pain to spread to others.

I've been around long enough to know that there's always one person who can't be talked to. You are that one person.

I want all of this to be finished.

And one day, it will be.

Let's just make this bearable okay?

One life, no returns.

No, your mistakes are the only thing you ever completely own entirely.

What about his mistakes?

He didn't own them, rather he denies he was there holding the weapon.

Who held the weapon if not him?

He did, but he feels it wasn't him, or even his fault.

Let's get this back on track my tiny darling.

I don't feel like going down the rabbit hole again with you.

Here, drink this.

What is it?

Lilac wine.

Transcend The Pain

 It's not normal to want to be loved by everybody.

He wanted to be a good person, but he didn't have enough money.

What doesn't kill you makes you makes you stronger.

No, what doesn't kill you makes you angry. And who wants you when you're angry?

You look for knowledge, but when you find it it doesn't help, just makes things worse. There is a shred of peace when you're in the dark. The light hurts the eyes.

What do do with the truth. It's never palatible. Leaves a sour taste. Leaves the heart shot through with holes. The only thing is to encase it in concrete, or ice. 

Only love to a depth that the inevitable wounds are superficial, not life and soul destroying.

Perhaps it's preferable to not love at all.

That isn't you though. Your style is to over love.

Maybe it's time to change.

Your wife is drinking Maker's in the shower. Don't join her, let her have her moment, beautifully wet and alone.

And when the last tree is down, you'll have nothing left to hang on to.

It is possible to stand alone, it's not always the best to need anything to hang on to. 

At least if we can see the shadow of the surprise before it descends, it makes it easier.

Does it? Not in my experience. When you're human, and accept yourself, everyone wins.

When the demon is at your door, in the morning it won't be there no more. Your superfine mind has come undone.

Only a fool would say that. Literally.

When he's holding his hat, he's lying.

I don't want to hear the bad things. I'm too fragile.

Where are you?

The airport.

What? Where will you go next, alone?

I'm flying to Dubai, I have a friend there. Now is the time to be free.

You can never be totally free, you hold too much in your heart, your head!

I did. I'm shaking myself free of the shackles that bind me. Eventually the time will come. When me is me is mine. I don't need a man to do it, I don't need a man for any of it.

The point is, I need to know that you're alive on this planet!

Have you lost your soul? Or did you sell it.. And if you sold it, you did so to the lowest bidder.

I'm waiting for justice.

A thing screaming, is a thing being broken. Even if that scream is silent.

Bring me hope, please, help me to cope with this..

I can't. You are already broken.

Please love me.

No, not ever again. 

My heart and soul is destroyed.

It was that way from the beginning. 

The blood is dripping from the wounds you have inflicted.

I'm looking at your picture.

Don't, it will only heighten your depths. And they are deep.

We were both wrong about the other.

No, you were wrong about me. You don't know about me.

It's okay not to be in love with me, but at least love me, it won't make your heart fall out!

My heart is safer in my own hands.  Please drink the water from the altar. You have taken me to a place I have never been before. What was heaven is now hell. Drink the water! Drink the rain!

I will never take you there again!

You left me there.

Be in bed alone.

Tonight I just want to be out of my head. Not be with you. If I'd only have known what a major head fuck was incoming.

I've cut my hand, I need you. I may bleed out!

You won't, reptiles don't bleed.

I'm sorry..

No, you are not. Fewer words are more powerful. But my inaction is my most powerful tool of all.

I am checking my cables, network, router..

I can tell you, you're no good.

I am having a transformative experience.

Writing is the kindest god, the ultimate psychiatrist. It stops the sky from falling down. That always frightened me when I was a kid, the sky falling down.

You are a little lady mouse.

Hear my footsteps, do they become quieter? Because they are running away from you.

You are the mountain no man can climb.

I was a bunny slope. You are too far South.

I believed in you, now I don't recognise you.

You got kicked between the eye's. Don't act so surprised. 

Which mask are you wearing?

The steel one today.

I prefer the silk.

Silk is also super resilient. Let's in the warmth, keeps out cold. But is still unbearable in a hot kitchen.

This is a time of trouble.

It is.

Change your mind, you are clever at that, you do so a million times a day!

Sometimes I can't change it at all. It is stuck.

How can we make it better?

Let the lunatics drive the ambulance, let's see where they take it.

People often forget what they care about.

I need peace. I don't want to accompany you on your bloody road trip.

It will end soon, I promise.

But your promises are worthless.

Let's go back to our blue jeans, our hungry years.

I can't I'm too lazy.

Our table at Bleeker St?

You are the most uncomfortable shoes known to fucking man!

I'll wait for you at Grand Central.

There's a fire there.

No, there is not.

There will be.

Just get there.

Wipe the humour from your cheeks.

You missed the boat.

That's not all I missed.

The Moon Above The Madhouse

 We create what we want, and make it as we want it to be. And some people eat that shit up. Or they don't, we just like to pretend they do. So what is the point of us doing what we do? Living this life? Doing this stuff with neither beginning or end?

Think of the weak, think of them. They need you, they need people like you. They don't have the mind to do the things that come so easily and effortlessly, so naturally to you. If only you knew how much you help, but right now sleep has sold us out.

Goodnight, Sun.

I'm looking back at you right now. Can you see me? Look at me!

My rule book says don't touch anyone, ever, over and over.

If this is your disgust of me, I will take it as a compliment. Come, let me take you home on the train.

My darling, it doesn't matter, really it doesn't. We are here.

Oh you silly baby. You want to call God? Call the law?

What God? What law? A gift is only special if there's proof! All I see are stains on our landscape.

Don't worry about being stained. Stains are normal, a badge of honour. Never give them what they want when they want it. Your skills are your vindication. My skills are less so, but my stains aren't as visible in sunlight, only by the light of the moon. So..

Well we need to leave before they remove the ladder. Or lose the key to the room we're in.

Dear mitigating circumstance..

There are no mitigating circumstances. Let's go.

And a million new disaster's have just turned over in their sleep.

Forever the optimist hey? Come on. Let's go somewhere they can't see what we're doing under the table. This crisis is out of our hands.

And when the drama comes calling, how will you hear it with your ear buds in?

We own the night, it won't matter. But no hiding people in the bathtub this time.

No.

No.

May God give us only as much snow as we can shovel.

Snow? Shit you mean shit.

In the midst of all of the confusion they found themselves trapped in a cycle of lethargy and despair. But just when they thought all hope was lost, they stumbled upon a love so pure and powerful that it gave them the strength to escape the confines of their own minds. As they raced against time to break free from the inner turmoil, they realized that love was the ultimate antidote to the suffering, and with each passing moment, they both felt themselves becoming lighter and more alive than ever before. Just as in all the crap romance novel's. 

There's no such thing as a happily ever after, only more mental distress and hard work navigating the path of a slow but certain death trip.

And I am only an Apache

Smoking Hashi

In old Cabashy

By the Lamp.

Softly, Lautrec.. She whispered..

  You said it would be fireworks, but in truth it was just empty wine bottles.

 We were facing the masks.

 You were so loosely moored, you could hardly walk in a straight line. Like a boat with no anchor.

You have lost your compass.

Yes, it wasn't a good year for fairy princesses.

Don't leave now you're here, you may become you again.

What to do?

You don't like being told what to do, no matter how gently.

Jeez.  You are like the distant sound of a telephone ringing, a 1950's green telephone.

Did you bump your head? Stop reaching for something to say!

All we can do is stop! And the only person who can stop us is ourselves!

We should escape from this story?

No, let's stay. But prepare our boat for high ground.

What is your animal?

A Tiger. You?

Serpent.

That figures. How did Dr Jimmy manage to unalive himself like that?

Ah! I knew it! It's over! 

But it's not possible. Not in my mind. And the strange little girl, who shits her pants.

He stabbed himself through the heart and hung himself with the wire coat hanger? It killed him! And what about shitty pants Wendy? She didn't do it, she only discovered his body.

That's what I mean, how could a tiny little girl kill a man of that size? But still, I'm not convinced he did it himself. The same method as the old couple in Queens? Where did he get the coat hanger?

From the staff room, he knew the code for the door lock. They didn't change it when he was arrested, no one thought he was returning.

She was very happy he was dead, Wendy I mean.

Knowing Dr Jimmy he probably abused her also. So of course she was hardly sad about it.

And the knife? It's all plastic cutlery?

Not for the staff. Again the staffroom.

It's too neat, too tidy.

Occam's razor.

But what if Wendy did do it? Some meds can give you brute force. I saw that anorexic girl, she picked up and threw a full water bottle from the dispenser!

Queen's.. It is a closed case.

Where did Wendy get the idea to kill him like that? He killed himself using his own method if he was behind the Queen's murders! She wouldn't know about coat hangers and a blade through the heart!

Depends when she was admitted, and if she saw the news reports.

Okay, you have a valid point. But she would not have access to the staffroom, to knives, hard objects.. So it doesn't tie in. They don't make harming yourself easily acheivable in Belle Vue. Let alone anyone else. The couple in Queen's. I wonder.

Wonder what?

I wonder if she knew them, or was related?

You think she killed them?

No, but maybe she witnessed something. What if she saw the whole thing play out?

They are not treating Queen's as a double murder, it's officially a murder/suicide.

And I told you, I don't believe it.

Strange thing though since you mention it.

What?

Dr Jimmy was found hanging from the wire coat hanger on the back of his cell door, the knife plunged through his hospital gown and straight through his heart. 

Strange thing? It's a suicide you said. So nothing strange about it!

His gown was hitched up and above his waist, exposing his genitals.

The same as the woman in Queens?

Well, I guess so.

And you think this is a coincidence?

It's not impossible! For gods sake!

It was Wendy.

It was NOT!

Yes, it was.

Dr Jimmy. Dead? Or maybe the only thing that died that day was one of his alter ego's. He's probably not dead at all. He's been dead before remember?

They removed his body.

Adam Chandler removed his body. No hospital morgue, just straight into the private ambulance and then presumably the funeral director.

And freedom?

Possibly.

God, you have one hell of an imagination!

Dr Jimmy was never going to harm himself, he's way too smart for that. 

And where would he go, supposing what you say is correct?

He has so many different lives, he could go anywhere.

So he is a chameleon.

Yes, yes he is.

And so now what?

So now I guess we must be very careful. Because for sure, he know's we are on to him.

Assuming he's alive?

Oh, he's alive alright.

She Is A Very Private Woman Who Never Sought The Limelight

 Listen. We have been ashamed, hopeless, tired, mad.. But always, all ways, we loved us.

It is possible that our ideas don’t suffer?

Such as the idea of suffering, for instance? 

But we are not ideas, are we?

No.

Well however quickly I forget what you're going to say, your statements are always an event.

The men you reduced to ashes are finally dusting themselves off Tiny Fair.

How am I supposed to decipher that?

As a beam of light.

You can't escape, and furthermore, you don't want to.

But I can't work by limelight.

You got this far.

How far is this far? Too far? Or not far enough?

You went to the precipice.

But I haven't gone over it.

I think maybe you did.

The edge of glory.

You created your own myth.

Well no one else was going to do it now were they?

I slowly realized

That you will never linger,

With distance in your eyes

And no ring on your finger. The drugs are okay.. I'm a poet..

There are mysteries. There are horrendous things. Monster's. And just one injection from the men in white would make… well, that has not happened.

But it has happend.

Tomorrow it will all be gone.

This is like being a child,  when an enormous insult is pulled over your head like a sack, and you can never forget it. 

Remove the sack, no one told you it had to remain on your head forever!

You deal with the blows so much better than I do.

Well that rather depends on who I was at the time of the insult, was I myself or one of my many other personalities?

Who are you today?

I didn't get to know her properly yet, she's new. I emerge a different person after each transition.

So you don't know yourself?

Not yet. I'm not going to fuck with her though.

You scared of her?

Not scared. I'm cautious.  She's unpredictable. 

Be careful. Look around you. I am stunned by how easy it is to be a bad Person.

The bad people are mainly on the street Frenchy, not in here.

Goodnight, good work, sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.

I'm going out dancing tomorrow though, so can it wait?

I'm not sure murderer's can wait for the music to finish.

Here's sad Wendy. She's only 13, a really nice girl. But she always wears the same clothes and she stinks really really bad. 

Apparently this is a common defense for kids who have been repeatedly raped or assaulted by a family member. They don't clean themselves or they'll even soil themselves to make themselves undesirable to their abuser. 

God, that reminds me of a girl from school, I hoped she just had really bad hygiene. 

I give her a big hug every night in the common area when it is time to go to our cells. Will she ever get out of here? I hope one day she gets to smell nice.

Who knows.

Midazolam is my favorite. Oh... It's as close to an off switch for a human being that I've ever known..

We need to get out. You are getting too comfortable with the routine. Smile.

Hi Wendy, how's it going?

It's going well!

Good! I'm happy to hear it.

Did you hear?

Hear what?

Dr Jimmy, he's dead!

Dead? How do you know that?

I know that, 'cos I was the one that killed him!