Mirror, mirror..

 

The queens arrived like a hallucination in sequins.

One moment the room was silent except for the low electrical hum of the refrigerator and the ancient ticking clock on the wall. Then suddenly the air ruptured with colour, noise, perfume, laughter. They spilled into the room as though they had stepped directly from a forgotten theatre stage abandoned sometime around 1964. Satin gowns dragged across the floorboards. Rhinestones caught the dim light. Their faces were immaculate beneath powders and paints that concealed every decade they had survived.

Tiny Fair remained stretched across the pale grey velvet sofa, unmoving, staring upward at a water stain spreading across the ceiling like an inkblot. Goddam. Fucking houses.

“Oh my god, look at you,” one of them laughed, cigarette burning between lacquered fingers. “Do something with yourself bitch. What is wrong with you?”

Beneath the couch her hand searched absently until it discovered a tall bottle of nail polish hidden in the dust and darkness. Pink. Ancient pink. Elizabeth Arden Blazer Pink. The glass bottle looked as though it had survived wars, divorces, overdoses, house fires and nervous breakdowns. The lid was cracked. The liquid inside had thickened with age but still clung to life stubbornly.

Like her.

She unscrewed it carefully and began painting her toenails.

The chemical smell filled her lungs instantly, transporting her backwards through decades she no longer trusted herself to remember correctly. Dance halls. Cheap perfume. Silver heels. Men with polished shoes and predatory smiles. Women smoking elegantly while dying internally.

An era that didn't belong to her.

The pink darkened slowly as air touched it.

Pink to crimson.

Youth to ruin.

“So dramatic,” another queen smirked, pouring herself gin before midday. “Hurry before it turns to blood entirely.”

Tiny Fair continued painting in silence.

Then fingers next.

The oldest queen watched her closely from an armchair near the window. She was clearly the one in charge. Her gown was emerald green velvet, her white hair sculpted perfectly into place as though even death itself would not dare disturb it.

“Tiny Fair,” she asked softly, “where did you go?”

The room quietened.

Even the laughter retreated into corners.

“Do you remember the lights?” the queen asked. “The music?”

Tiny did remember. With a memory that was not hers.

God, she remembered.

The lights had once felt heavenly. Golden spotlights pouring onto her skin while music swelled around her like ocean tides. There had been applause once. Desire. Names spoken lovingly. Entire rooms turning to look at her when she entered.

But memory was dangerous now.

To remember too deeply was to drown.

“That was another age,” she murmured eventually. “Things are different now.”

The queens exchanged glances filled with the kind of sadness only ageing survivors possess.

One wandered toward the kitchen.

“You have two coffee machines?”

Tiny nodded slowly.

“Which machine do you want coffee from right now?”

“The big one.”

It was absurd how seriously this question mattered.

The large machine hissed and groaned to life like some exhausted mechanical animal while Tiny examined the women around her. Their gowns remained pristine. Hair immaculate. Jewels glittering beneath soft yellow lamp light.

Meanwhile she felt as though she had been dragged beneath reality itself.

Frayed.

Worn thin.

“I don’t know how long this charade can continue,” she admitted quietly.

Nobody interrupted her.

“I feel like I was put through the machine…” she whispered. “And somehow emerged physically intact.”

Her fingers trembled slightly as she stared at the drying polish.

“But inside…”

She looked toward the mirror opposite the sofa.

Cracked.

Long ago shattered violently from corner to corner.

“My thoughts,” she continued, “my innermost feelings… they’re like that mirror. Too broken to repair.”

The queens remained motionless now.

Listening.

“But you remain visible in every shard.”

Outside, rain began tapping softly against the windows facing the sea.

Tiny Fair closed her eyes.

A lifetime spent searching for truths. For answers. For identity. Digging endlessly through memories like a grave robber clawing through wet earth hoping to uncover something still alive beneath it all.

And sometimes she had found herself briefly.

A glimpse.

A face.

A certainty.

Only for it to vanish once again beneath dark crashing waves before she could hold onto it.

The oldest queen finally approached her quietly with the coffee cup held between both hands.

“You survived,” she said simply.

Tiny Fair stared into the black surface of the coffee.

Did she?

Or had some essential part of her drowned years ago while the body continued wandering elegantly through rooms pretending to still be alive?

The queens resumed laughing eventually.

Music returned softly from an old radio somewhere deep in the apartment.

But Tiny Fair remained motionless upon the pale grey velvet sofa while the red polish dried like fresh wounds beneath the dim and failing light.

The Second Death

     The man on the Harley Davidson circled us slowly at first, the engine low and growling like an animal protecting its territory. The headlamp cut through the sea mist in pale slices. Behind him stretched an opening in the dunes, and beyond that, the ocean itself, black and endless.

Broken boats littered the shoreline and the water beyond it.

Not driftwood.

Not wreckage from storms.

Actual boats.

Fishing vessels split down the middle. Small sailboats overturned like dead insects. Rotting hulls half submerged, gently rocking in the tide as though something beneath the water  breathed against them. Their masts leaned at impossible angles. Some looked burned. Others looked abandoned in panic.

The Harley rider turned slowly toward us.

“Follow me.”

His voice was calm, amused.

And naturally, against all instinct, we obeyed.

The mansion appeared suddenly through the fog like an hallucination. Huge. White. Colonial architecture. Balconies and towering windows facing the sea as though the house itself worshipped the darkness rolling in from the horizon.

Beautiful from a distance.

But madness often is.

Inside, there were people everywhere.

Older men with expensive watches hanging loosely around stick like wrists. Women with faded glamour, lipstick bleeding into the lines around their mouths. Crystal glasses. Cigarette smoke. Laughter too loud to be genuine.

Nobody acknowledged our arrival at first.

Not one face turned.

We stood awkwardly near the doorway feeling like intruders who had wandered accidentally into the afterlife itself.

Then eventually a woman noticed us.

She laughed.

Soon the others joined her.

Not cruel exactly.

But entertained. Like children observing stray dogs attempting to sit at a dinner table.

I sat finally upon a velvet chair near the fireplace and immediately felt the springs collapse beneath me. The upholstery was torn open. Yellow foam bulged through the seams like exposed flesh. Everywhere I looked the mansion carried this same contradiction.

Grandeur collapsing quietly.

Gilded frames blackened with mould.

Paintings warped by salt damp.

Silver trays tarnished green.

The illusion of wealth rotting in plain sight.

The Harley rider approached carrying two drinks. "I'm David. "

Up close he was tired looking,  small in stature. Compact. Wiry. Curly silver-grey hair framing a face that had once undoubtedly been handsome. The type of man women forgive too much.

“You see,” he said, noticing me studying the furniture, “I do not replace any of this now.”

“Why not?”

He smiled.

“ There is no point. When I am gone, the children will only care about the structure. Nobody inherits sentiment.”

I told him he looked healthy. Strong. A man with years ahead of him still.

He laughed at that.

“I have already died. I am dead.”

The room seemed quieter suddenly.

Not silent.

Never silent.

The laughter continued elsewhere in pockets, glasses clinking softly, but around him there seemed to be a strange pressure in the air.

“I had five children. Maybe six, seven even.”

“You don’t know?”

“One loses count eventually.”

He stared toward the black ocean through the  windows.

“My last wife was very young. Beautiful. Too beautiful perhaps. She gave me two babies. There was jealousy. Arguments. Suspicion. Possession. You know how humans are when they begin confusing love with ownership.”

His fingers tapped slowly against the dirty glass.

“I shot myself with a shotgun one night, when we had been fighting, we were drunk, we had enjoyed some class A's also.”

No one nearby reacted.

As though they had heard this story hundreds of times already.

“I died. Left the body. Moved into the next dimension. Problem solved.”

“And?”

“And then I killed myself again.”

That sentence. What? Of course it made no sense. “You cannot die twice.”

His pale eyes met mine.

“Oh yes,” he whispered. “You can die many times.”

Outside the tide crashed violently against the skeletal boats.

He explained slowly, almost gently,  like a teacher speaking to a child unable to grasp mathematics.

“The first death removes the body. But the second death…” he leaned closer, “…the second death removes the lie.”

“What lie?”

“The person you believed yourself to be, when the body dies, consciousness remains exactly as it was. Arrogant men remain arrogant. Jealous men remain jealous. Violent men remain violent. Death does not cleanse anything. It merely strips away the disguise."

“You carry your sickness with you.”

The room is feeling colder.

     The people seated around us no longer seemed drunk or joyful. Their laughter had become mechanical somehow. Delayed. Hollow. Some stared into space, others started to wail like injured animals,  nobody noticed.

One woman near the piano had tears rolling down her cheeks while smiling broadly at absolutely nothing.

What the hell is this?

“What faith are you?” He asks.

“Kabbalah. Hinduism. Buddhism. Pieces of all of them.”

“Not Christianity?” He smirked faintly.

"Christianity should have been about conduct. Mercy. Protection. Kindness. Instead humans transformed it into theatre. Performance for frightened crowds. That is how I feel,  how I think. Christianity is an action."

The chandeliers flickered overhead.

For one brief second the lights dimmed enough that every face in the mansion appeared corpse-like. Hollowed eyes, teeth too big for the face, all smiling, but not actually smiling, just showing teeth. 

Then brightness returned,  dimmer than before. 

“What is the second death?” I asked quietly.

He stared directly at me now.

“The moment you realise you were never important. That you are but a grain of sand in a desert.”

That makes sense. To me.

“Your possessions gone. Your enemies continuing life without you. Your children eventually forgetting the sound of your voice. Your beautiful face collapsing into the soil. Your grudges becoming microscopic. No one cares. They will cry for 20 minutes then go eat the free buffet. ”

He smiled then.

Not kindly.

Wearily.

“I refused to accept this. Even after death I clung to my old identity. My house. My women. My anger. And so I destroyed myself again in the next world.”

“You committed suicide… spiritually?”

“In a sense.”

“And now?”

“Now I am returned here. To walk the Earth.”

“To haunt the house?”

“No,” he replied softly. “To understand it.”

The ocean outside roared like a starving Lion.

I suddenly noticed stains spreading across the mansion ceiling. Cracks travelling slowly through the walls. Salt erosion eating the foundations. The entire structure was decaying from within despite its magnificent exterior.

Like the people seated inside it. Slowly dying, but rapidly decaying.  That sweet smell of decay (...)

Like all of us.

The Harley rider stood slowly.

Every face turned toward him.

And for the first time since arriving, none of them were smiling.

“You fear death too much,” he said. “You should fear becoming trapped between deaths. For we have to die many times. Only when you can live through the final cycle of life's lessons without getting blood on your hands, or committing acts of darkness against the light do you get to rest peacefully. ”

The lights went out completely then. David and the Harley had disappeared and we were back on the ferry crossing the Hudson.

And somewhere out there, in a place no one has ever seen, is the grand mansion, out amongst the wrecked boats drifting in the black water, with something enormous and unknown moving beneath the surface.

And somewhere out there is David, riding his motorcycle in circles for all eternity. 

Dr Jimmy

The family called him gifted before he had ever earned the word.

Before the schools, before the academic failures,  before the white coat and the carefully rehearsed smile, there was a little boy sat at the centre of a warm kitchen while the women around him whispered prophecies into his ears like scripture. He was special. He was destined. He was brighter than the others. His siblings were ordinary furniture in the room, but Jimmy, little Jimmy, was spoken about as though the world itself would one day kneel before him.

Children believe what they are fed repeatedly.

Some are fed love.

Others are fed poison and impossibility.

By adolescence, Dr Jimmy had developed the strange stillness of a child who no longer sees other human beings as equals. There was already contempt in him then, a quiet reptilian contempt hidden beneath politeness. Teachers were fools who failed to recognise genius. Friends were useful until they were not. Family members existed only in relation to how they reflected upon him.

When he failed, and he often failed despite the mythology surrounding him, the responsibility could never be his own. Failure was theft. Sabotage. Envy. Conspiracy. Lesser people holding back a superior mind.

The terrifying thing about people like Jimmy is not rage.

It is the absence of visible rage.

The truly dangerous ones do not scream in public. They do not smash glasses in restaurants or beat walls with their fists. No.

 They cultivate coldness. They become students of appearance. They learn that calmness disarms suspicion. So they walk slowly. Speak softly. Smile carefully. They disappear into the background, become churchgoers, community men. They create a shell so polished that nobody notices the furnace sealed inside.

Inside him lived an ancient fury.

Not explosive fury.

Stored fury.

Compressed fury.

The fury of a man who believed the universe owed him worship and who quietly resented every living thing that failed to provide it.

His siblings became targets long before they understood they were in a war. Jimmy could not tolerate equals because equals threatened the grand architecture of delusion he had spent his life constructing. So he reduced them psychologically. 

One sibling was “unstable.” Another “jealous.” Another “not very bright.” He whispered different stories into different ears, creating invisible fences between people so they would never compare notes.

That was one of his greatest talents.

Division.

He understood early that isolated people are controllable people. Keep everyone separated and no collective truth can form. One person questions him and they are dismissed as bitter. Two people compare stories and suddenly patterns emerge. Jimmy could never allow patterns to emerge.

So he triangulated relentlessly.

A quiet comment here.

A lie there.

A concerned expression.

A warning not to trust somebody.

A fabricated insult.

A performance of victimhood.

And all the while he remained composed, the exhausted saint surrounded by difficult people who simply failed to appreciate him.

Pathological liars are fascinating creatures because they lie even when the truth would suffice. Jimmy lied the way other men breathe. Not always for gain. Sometimes merely for stimulation. Sometimes because reality itself felt insulting to him. Ordinary life could not contain the size of his internal fantasy. So he rewrote events constantly, editing history in real time until he became simultaneously hero, martyr, genius and persecuted victim.

He lived off people with the entitlement of royalty.

Money.

Time.

Energy.

Homes.

Forgiveness.

He consumed human beings like fuel while privately despising them for being weak enough to give. Every kindness offered to him became evidence not of love but of superiority. In his mind, generosity from others proved they existed beneath him.

And beneath it all sat the thing he concealed most carefully.

His hatred of women.

Not ordinary resentment.

Not bitterness.

Hatred.

Visceral hatred.

The kind forged in the strange contradiction of being worshipped by women while simultaneously despising them for their emotional power over him. The women in his childhood built the false god, and later he punished women endlessly for believing in him. Every woman became either a servant to validate him or an enemy to destroy. He could mimic affection flawlessly, but intimacy enraged him because intimacy threatened exposure.

Women eventually saw behind the mask.

And when they did, the rage surfaced.

Not immediately.

Never immediately.

Predators like Jimmy do not erupt without calculation. They withdraw first. They study. They punish subtly. Psychological starvation. Gaslighting. Humiliation disguised as concern. Tiny invisible cuts to identity and sanity. They enjoy confusion because confusion restores control.

And somewhere deep within him, hidden beneath the calm exterior and the measured voice, was the catastrophic belief shared by many psychopaths:

That other people are not entirely real.

Not as real as him.

Not as important.

Not as human.

Once a person reaches that psychological territory, murder no longer feels like murder to them. It feels like correction. Erasure. Removal of an obstacle. The final act in maintaining the fantasy kingdom inside their own mind.

That is what frightens people when they encounter men like Dr Jimmy.

Not the violence itself.

But the coldness preceding it.

The ability to discuss weather while harbouring annihilation.

To shake hands while imagining death.

To smile while despising every soul in the room.

And perhaps the darkest truth of all is this:

Many people saw fragments of the monster over the years.

But monsters wrapped in intelligence and civility are often protected by society itself.

Because people would rather doubt the wounded than confront the possibility that evil can sit calmly at the dinner table smiling and speaking softly.

And he's about to lose his grip, for he has lost control. 

Thanks!!

To My Readers: A Note of Thanks!

​

I wanted to take a quick moment to express my sincere gratitude to everyone who spends time in this space. Whether you’ve been following along since the first post or just discovered the blog today, your curiosity and engagement mean the world to me. As I quickly approach 10k readers a month I am overwhelmed! 

​

Writing is an unknown journey..

 

Knowing that there is a community of readers who appreciate my writings  makes this work incredibly rewarding.

​

Thank you for your time.

​ In a busy world, I’m honored you choose to spend some of it in here. 

​Your Support. It is the ultimate motivation to keep digging, writing, and expressing. 

There is much more to uncover and many more stories to tell. I’m so glad to have you along for the ride!

​With gratitude,

Stay insane..

​

Francesca,  Echoes of Lunacy 

The Door At Ten O'Clock

 

     There are some men who are not born for great things, nor  catastrophe.

They are built instead for small things. Quiet things. Predictable things.

The soft ticking of a hallway clock.

Freshly ironed shirts.

A wife humming in the kitchen while rain taps against clean windows.

Henry had been one of those men.

He lived inside order.

Every morning he rose at precisely seven, shaved with a slow care, buttoned his white shirt at the collar, and walked the same route to the accounts office of the local department store. Numbers soothed him. Columns aligned neatly in ledgers made sense in ways people never truly did. Errors could be corrected. Totals balanced.

 Life, once, had balanced too.

At home there was Lottie.

Beautiful Lottie with her jet-black curls and those impossible ruby lips that seemed too glamorous for their little semi-detached house. Henry worshipped her quietly, the way frightened men worship things they know they could never survive losing.

Their son, William—though Henry sometimes  called him Billy, had inherited all of Lottie’s beauty. Tall. Dark-haired. Smiling. Twenty years old and invincible in the careless way only the young can be.

For years Henry believed God had simply forgotten him. Had given him the most charmed of lives.

Then came the knock at the door.

Winter rain hammered the windows that evening. The police officers stood under the porch light with wet helmets and grave expressions, the kind rehearsed a thousand times before.

 Motorcycle accident. Instantaneous. Nothing could be done.

Nothing could be done.

Such a small sentence for the destruction of an entire universe.

After the funeral, the house changed shape. Rooms stretched strangely at night. The silence became aggressively loud. 

Lottie wandered from chair to chair in her dressing gown like a soul unable to locate its grave. The doctor prescribed little white tablets to “help her through it.”

As though grief were influenza.

As though death could be sedated.

Henry would wake in the early hours to find her sitting at the kitchen table in darkness, taking one pill after another between trembling fingers.

Then one morning he could not wake her at all.

The tablets had succeeded eventually.

The pain had died.

And shortly after, so had Lottie.

After that, Henry began dissolving by degrees.

Not dramatically. Not all at once. Madness rarely arrives screaming. Usually it enters politely and sits quietly in the corner while a man ruins himself.

The two scotch and sodas from the company dinner dances became four. Then six. Then however many it took to stop seeing Lottie’s face reflected in darkened windows.

The electricity failed first.

The letters piled behind the front door like autumn leaves. Red FINAL NOTICE envelopes. Coal buckets sat untouched beside dead fireplaces. Frost began growing inside the bedroom windows. Henry stopped shaving. Stopped washing. Stopped opening curtains altogether because he could not bear the sight of the living world continuing outside.

At night he heard footsteps upstairs.

Not frightening footsteps.

Familiar ones.

Lottie moving softly through the house.

Sometimes he even smelled her perfume drifting through the cold rooms, and once - God help him he truly believed he saw William standing at the end of the hallway in his motorcycle jacket, rainwater dripping from his sleeves.

Henry spoke aloud to them then.

Long conversations with the dead.

Entire evenings.

Eventually even the house rejected him.

Near the department store where he had once worked stood a public house glowing amber against the freezing streets. Inside there was heat, stale laughter, the burn of whisky, and men old enough to understand that loneliness was a physical illness.

The barman pitied him.

“Henry,” he said one night while drying glasses, “there’s a church hostel five minutes away. Warm bed. Soup. Decent people. Go ask them.”

And Henry did.

The hostel accepted him with conditions. Out by nine in the morning. Back by ten at night sharp. Rules. Boundaries. Order imposed upon broken men because broken men apparently could not be trusted with mercy unless it arrived on a timetable.

Still, Henry was grateful.

The bed was narrow but warm. The blankets smelled faintly of bleach and cigarettes. Some nights he lay awake listening to coughing from neighbouring bunks and almost imagined himself human again.

Then winter tightened its grip.

The cold came suddenly that year. A vicious, biblical cold. Minus 10. Ice welded to pavements. Wind screaming through alleyways like something alive and starving.

That Friday night the storm arrived early.

Snow whipped sideways through the streets. Henry’s threadbare overcoat offered no protection. His hands burned red raw with cold as he shuffled through the city, head bent against the blizzard.

But he kept walking.

Because there was a bed waiting for him.

Because somewhere in the world there still existed one door that would open.

By the time he reached the hostel his moustache was crusted white with ice. His fingers barely worked. He climbed the steps trembling violently and grasped the handle.

Locked.

At first he thought he had made some mistake.

He knocked gently.

No answer.

Then harder.

A light appeared behind frosted glass.

A voice called from inside.

“Sorry. It’s past ten. Three minutes past.”

Henry pressed both frozen palms against the door.

“Please,” he whispered. “The storm slowed me down.”

Silence.

Then locks shifting, but not opening. Only checked. Secured.

“I beg you,” Henry said, louder now. “Please. I walked through the blizzard. I’ve nowhere else.”

The voice was young.  Calm. Irritatingly calm.

“Rules are rules.”

Inside stood Doctor Jimmy.  Youthful. Smiling. Clean hands. Warm radiator heat against his legs. Empowered suddenly by the thin invisible membrane between inconvenience,  power and death.

Some men discover too late that authority intoxicates them more deeply than alcohol ever could.

Henry remained outside knocking until his strength failed.

The snow swallowed sound quickly after that.

Morning came pale and merciless.

A council worker found him in the doorway, curled inward like a child asleep. His face was white with frost. Eyelashes frozen together. Hands tucked beneath his arms in one final instinctive effort to preserve heat.

Dead only yards from warmth.

The newspapers called it a tragedy.

The church called it unfortunate.

Doctor Jimmy slept perfectly well that night.

And perhaps that is the most frightening part of all.

Not the cold.

Not the death.

Not even the loneliness.

But the horrifying simplicity with which one human being can close a door upon another and continue living as though nothing at all happened.

They're putting more coaches on the train

 

How can you lie there sleeping peacefully when beneath you lie the perfect souls you tore from the hearts of those who loved them?

The tears did not stop when the bodies stopped breathing.

They kept moving outward in silent waves.

Into kitchens where untouched cups of tea turned cold.

Into hallways where mothers stood listening for footsteps that would never return.

Into bedrooms where fathers sat at the edge of beds at three in the morning, unable to understand how the world had continued spinning at all.

Disbelief.

Confusion.

Horror.

The endless, echoing why.

Do you even know the reason yourself?

Or did it become instinct long ago, passed down like an heirloom soaked in oil and grave dirt, handed from father to son beneath the floorboards of that rotting house where every wall remembers your name?

Give us the reason.

How do you rest your head upon a soft pillow knowing what your hands are capable of?

How do your eyelids lower so easily while others remain awake for decades, staring into darkness that no longer feels empty?

You entered places of refuge.

Warm homes.

Safe rooms.

Lives wrapped in ordinary peace.

And then you carried the storm inside.

You know what you did.

I know.

We know.

The walls know.

Sometimes, late at night, I imagine the sound first. Not the sirens. Not the shouting. The footsteps. Heavy footsteps climbing the staircase two at a time while the house itself seems to hold its breath. The sudden realization that the lock on the front door was never protection at all, merely delay.

When will the footsteps finally come running up your stairs?

Soon, I hope.

Monster.

You are a monster.

Like your father before you.

And somewhere far from that poisoned bloodline, Tiny Fair whispered forgiveness into the dark as though it were medicine. But forgiveness is not hers to give away like bread to starving birds. Some things crawl too deep beneath the earth to be lifted clean by mercy alone.

People drift now like untethered balloons in a dead sky. Floating through the ether. Suspended between truth and madness. Families orbiting grief with nowhere safe to land. The nightmare became architecture; entire lives built around absence.

But it can end.

The control can end.

The silence can end.

The nightmare can finally choke on its own shadow.

“Oh Frenchy,” she said quietly, her voice almost swallowed by the twilight, “you are so right. I will begin the long journey soon.”

And the air changed when she said it.

The room itself seemed to lean closer.

“But first,” she whispered, “we have to go where there is no more daylight. No darkness either. Only twilight.”

That terrible in-between place.

Neither heaven nor earth.

Neither memory nor forgetting.

The hour where all truths crawl out onto the road.

Then she smiled faintly toward the dying horizon.

“Then it’s back to the Farm.”

Back to the Farm.