People don't like it when you talk to them with your weapon drawn

 My dreams are like a passive war, that I can't wake up from. I'm totally fucked up, confused.

That happens sometimes. What did you see?

Nothing different. Same house, the same weather, damp and cold..

The clothes?

The same clothes, in the same place. In the same bag. There's nothing to add. I don't intend to go back there.

Except this time was an improvement, you didn't throw up!

Worms crawling in and out of a skull. White shirt, black trousers. It's not so much the clothing, it's where it was concealed. And not the type of outfit you might expect a serial killer to wear.

Why? What would you expect them to wear?

I don't know, I never gave it any thought, but not black trousers and a white shirt.

Can you see any faces?

No, not really. The car disappeared not long afterwards though.

They bought another car?

No, they started traveling by motorcycle. And when the heat was on, they disappeared abroad until things cooled down according to the old man.

Why a bike?

To move unnoticed within a certain group? That's my hunch.

Do you have any timeline for that period?

No, I can't remember anything.

So fuck it?

That is the word.

What were you wearing?

Probably jeans, I rarely wore anything else. Jeans and Chanel No19 was my uniform. Always Chanel. Could have been No5 actually, 19 possibly came a little later.

Who was your boyfriend at that time?

Some guy in a band. Lead guitar.

And him, who was he, what was his name?

William I think.. Or was that his surname? I really can't recall. He was tall with long black hair, I met him at the Club. 

So you remember Spring of that year?

Vaguely. I was mixing with a lot of arabs and playboys. Nothing much to remember. Why do you keep on taking me back there?

I'm trying to awaken your vision, but maybe there is trauma attached.

Trauma? Well I can guarantee there will have been plenty of that floating around!

Where were you living at the time of blue jeans and Chanel No5?

I don't know, possibly at home by around April that year. Until mid summer when I moved into an apartment with a new boyfriend, but I thought I must have been much older than I was, I have no definitive dates.

You were still a baby.

I suppose I was.

You most defintely were. Jesus.

I had to grow up quickly. You know my kid is at University and she's 3 years into a 5 year criminology course, I worry about her so far from home, and there was I. Always far from home. 

She's going to be a cop?

No, back room. Forensics. Not so fucking brave as you frontliner's are!

 Braver, in my opinion. So come on you, unlock this timeline. You are getting very close!

I do remember something though.

Go.

The old man, he told me something strange. About the guy that lived next door. He said he saw him late one night and he was covered in blood.

You just remembered that?

Yes.

What else did he tell you? Don't let the wave recede, keep it flowing.

He said he asked him if he was hurt, what with all the blood.

And?

The guy said he had been involved in an accident, but that he wasn't badly injured.

How much blood?

The old man said he was covered all over his face.

But he said that he was uninjured?

Yes.

Did you ever see the young guy yourself?

Yes, a day or so later, in the local bar, I asked him about it.

And what was his response?

That he was involved in an accident, and the old man was exaggerating. It was a small cut.

What happened after that? Did you see any injuries?

I can't remember. Maybe a small cut.

You heard about the murders when? Before or after that encounter?

I can't recall. I wasn't really one for following the news. Probably afterwards. 

You didn't put the two together?

No. There was no reason to.

Except there was a heinous act commited less than two kilometres away!

I didn't have any concept of distances back then, I didn't drive! For all I knew, it all happened a million miles away!

Accepted. I have no further questions. This proceeds as is. You know Tiny Fair, you can do whatever you want. 

I am having a vision, so please leave me be.

Do not let anyone shit on your universe.

No my darling. I am stretched out on your long couch, my hair is a tangled mess, but my mind is not.

I really led myself astray

 I'm visible, but not everyone can see me.

Soften your heart before it's too late.

Judgement of me is a luxury you can't afford.

You may yet find your way home.

But where is home?

How do you feel being the voice in a Universe that doesn't yet exist?

I'm like a disposable tissue, not yet disposed of.

You're fucked. your hasty, too hasty. In everything!

And you're like a bloody cannibal. Feeding from me!

Look, use this stick. Once across the head should be enough.

I'm sick of your billionaire compassion.

You're losing your manners, every ounce of your unreliability and vulnerability is on display right now.

Click here to bend, click here to withstand.

As I said, all your issues are on display right now.

You're empty. Some fucking system you live by.

It began with love.

It was lust.

I used to think pain was meaningful.

It's just that we don't like the reality.

But the dark forest sparkled and it was too late to turn around.

We dismissed the truth, it was too dark.

A disposable tissue, not disposed of.

Listen to me, I am telling you!

If you think I'm not suffering, get your head examined.

Bingo!

This is going to be a long flight.

When you climb a tree, you climb it alone.

I'm going to call your wife.

You are going to brand yourself?

No, free myself.

At least I got you on board.

Yes, thank god I learned to swim.

You had some lunch?

No thank you, I can't eat when my stomach feels full of doubt and anxiety.

We are very close to the truth.

But with the truth only comes more pain.

You. You. You.

Yes, me. I cry when I need to.

Passion is your gift, but sadness is in the blood that courses through your veins.

Passion, sadness.. It's my core.

As I said before, your gifts are only real if there's proof. Oh why won't you fucking smile?

I was not supposed to be like this, breathing.

But you are.

Your kiss is like a hurricane.

And well we all know how dangerous those can be.

Did you speak to him?

No, not yet. He will call me later. Or not. He needs to run now.

You are resilient.

But only with proper rest, so goodnight.

But you're calling out warnings!

So listen to them.

You are crying like a dog left out in the rain.

I am studying my own negativity, I don't want the pain to spread to others.

I've been around long enough to know that there's always one person who can't be talked to. You are that one person.

I want all of this to be finished.

And one day, it will be.

Let's just make this bearable okay?

One life, no returns.

No, your mistakes are the only thing you ever completely own entirely.

What about his mistakes?

He didn't own them, rather he denies he was there holding the weapon.

Who held the weapon if not him?

He did, but he feels it wasn't him, or even his fault.

Let's get this back on track my tiny darling.

I don't feel like going down the rabbit hole again with you.

Here, drink this.

What is it?

Lilac wine.

Transcend The Pain

 It's not normal to want to be loved by everybody.

He wanted to be a good person, but he didn't have enough money.

What doesn't kill you makes you makes you stronger.

No, what doesn't kill you makes you angry. And who wants you when you're angry?

You look for knowledge, but when you find it it doesn't help, just makes things worse. There is a shred of peace when you're in the dark. The light hurts the eyes.

What do do with the truth. It's never palatible. Leaves a sour taste. Leaves the heart shot through with holes. The only thing is to encase it in concrete, or ice. 

Only love to a depth that the inevitable wounds are superficial, not life and soul destroying.

Perhaps it's preferable to not love at all.

That isn't you though. Your style is to over love.

Maybe it's time to change.

Your wife is drinking Maker's in the shower. Don't join her, let her have her moment, beautifully wet and alone.

And when the last tree is down, you'll have nothing left to hang on to.

It is possible to stand alone, it's not always the best to need anything to hang on to. 

At least if we can see the shadow of the surprise before it descends, it makes it easier.

Does it? Not in my experience. When you're human, and accept yourself, everyone wins.

When the demon is at your door, in the morning it won't be there no more. Your superfine mind has come undone.

Only a fool would say that. Literally.

When he's holding his hat, he's lying.

I don't want to hear the bad things. I'm too fragile.

Where are you?

The airport.

What? Where will you go next, alone?

I'm flying to Dubai, I have a friend there. Now is the time to be free.

You can never be totally free, you hold too much in your heart, your head!

I did. I'm shaking myself free of the shackles that bind me. Eventually the time will come. When me is me is mine. I don't need a man to do it, I don't need a man for any of it.

The point is, I need to know that you're alive on this planet!

Have you lost your soul? Or did you sell it.. And if you sold it, you did so to the lowest bidder.

I'm waiting for justice.

A thing screaming, is a thing being broken. Even if that scream is silent.

Bring me hope, please, help me to cope with this..

I can't. You are already broken.

Please love me.

No, not ever again. 

My heart and soul is destroyed.

It was that way from the beginning. 

The blood is dripping from the wounds you have inflicted.

I'm looking at your picture.

Don't, it will only heighten your depths. And they are deep.

We were both wrong about the other.

No, you were wrong about me. You don't know about me.

It's okay not to be in love with me, but at least love me, it won't make your heart fall out!

My heart is safer in my own hands.  Please drink the water from the altar. You have taken me to a place I have never been before. What was heaven is now hell. Drink the water! Drink the rain!

I will never take you there again!

You left me there.

Be in bed alone.

Tonight I just want to be out of my head. Not be with you. If I'd only have known what a major head fuck was incoming.

I've cut my hand, I need you. I may bleed out!

You won't, reptiles don't bleed.

I'm sorry..

No, you are not. Fewer words are more powerful. But my inaction is my most powerful tool of all.

I am checking my cables, network, router..

I can tell you, you're no good.

I am having a transformative experience.

Writing is the kindest god, the ultimate psychiatrist. It stops the sky from falling down. That always frightened me when I was a kid, the sky falling down.

You are a little lady mouse.

Hear my footsteps, do they become quieter? Because they are running away from you.

You are the mountain no man can climb.

I was a bunny slope. You are too far South.

I believed in you, now I don't recognise you.

You got kicked between the eye's. Don't act so surprised. 

Which mask are you wearing?

The steel one today.

I prefer the silk.

Silk is also super resilient. Let's in the warmth, keeps out cold. But is still unbearable in a hot kitchen.

This is a time of trouble.

It is.

Change your mind, you are clever at that, you do so a million times a day!

Sometimes I can't change it at all. It is stuck.

How can we make it better?

Let the lunatics drive the ambulance, let's see where they take it.

People often forget what they care about.

I need peace. I don't want to accompany you on your bloody road trip.

It will end soon, I promise.

But your promises are worthless.

Let's go back to our blue jeans, our hungry years.

I can't I'm too lazy.

Our table at Bleeker St?

You are the most uncomfortable shoes known to fucking man!

I'll wait for you at Grand Central.

There's a fire there.

No, there is not.

There will be.

Just get there.

Wipe the humour from your cheeks.

You missed the boat.

That's not all I missed.

The Moon Above The Madhouse

 We create what we want, and make it as we want it to be. And some people eat that shit up. Or they don't, we just like to pretend they do. So what is the point of us doing what we do? Living this life? Doing this stuff with neither beginning or end?

Think of the weak, think of them. They need you, they need people like you. They don't have the mind to do the things that come so easily and effortlessly, so naturally to you. If only you knew how much you help, but right now sleep has sold us out.

Goodnight, Sun.

I'm looking back at you right now. Can you see me? Look at me!

My rule book says don't touch anyone, ever, over and over.

If this is your disgust of me, I will take it as a compliment. Come, let me take you home on the train.

My darling, it doesn't matter, really it doesn't. We are here.

Oh you silly baby. You want to call God? Call the law?

What God? What law? A gift is only special if there's proof! All I see are stains on our landscape.

Don't worry about being stained. Stains are normal, a badge of honour. Never give them what they want when they want it. Your skills are your vindication. My skills are less so, but my stains aren't as visible in sunlight, only by the light of the moon. So..

Well we need to leave before they remove the ladder. Or lose the key to the room we're in.

Dear mitigating circumstance..

There are no mitigating circumstances. Let's go.

And a million new disaster's have just turned over in their sleep.

Forever the optimist hey? Come on. Let's go somewhere they can't see what we're doing under the table. This crisis is out of our hands.

And when the drama comes calling, how will you hear it with your ear buds in?

We own the night, it won't matter. But no hiding people in the bathtub this time.

No.

No.

May God give us only as much snow as we can shovel.

Snow? Shit you mean shit.

In the midst of all of the confusion they found themselves trapped in a cycle of lethargy and despair. But just when they thought all hope was lost, they stumbled upon a love so pure and powerful that it gave them the strength to escape the confines of their own minds. As they raced against time to break free from the inner turmoil, they realized that love was the ultimate antidote to the suffering, and with each passing moment, they both felt themselves becoming lighter and more alive than ever before. Just as in all the crap romance novel's. 

There's no such thing as a happily ever after, only more mental distress and hard work navigating the path of a slow but certain death trip.

And I am only an Apache

Smoking Hashi

In old Cabashy

By the Lamp.

Softly, Lautrec.. She whispered..

  You said it would be fireworks, but in truth it was just empty wine bottles.

 We were facing the masks.

 You were so loosely moored, you could hardly walk in a straight line. Like a boat with no anchor.

You have lost your compass.

Yes, it wasn't a good year for fairy princesses.

Don't leave now you're here, you may become you again.

What to do?

You don't like being told what to do, no matter how gently.

Jeez.  You are like the distant sound of a telephone ringing, a 1950's green telephone.

Did you bump your head? Stop reaching for something to say!

All we can do is stop! And the only person who can stop us is ourselves!

We should escape from this story?

No, let's stay. But prepare our boat for high ground.

What is your animal?

A Tiger. You?

Serpent.

That figures. How did Dr Jimmy manage to unalive himself like that?

Ah! I knew it! It's over! 

But it's not possible. Not in my mind. And the strange little girl, who shits her pants.

He stabbed himself through the heart and hung himself with the wire coat hanger? It killed him! And what about shitty pants Wendy? She didn't do it, she only discovered his body.

That's what I mean, how could a tiny little girl kill a man of that size? But still, I'm not convinced he did it himself. The same method as the old couple in Queens? Where did he get the coat hanger?

From the staff room, he knew the code for the door lock. They didn't change it when he was arrested, no one thought he was returning.

She was very happy he was dead, Wendy I mean.

Knowing Dr Jimmy he probably abused her also. So of course she was hardly sad about it.

And the knife? It's all plastic cutlery?

Not for the staff. Again the staffroom.

It's too neat, too tidy.

Occam's razor.

But what if Wendy did do it? Some meds can give you brute force. I saw that anorexic girl, she picked up and threw a full water bottle from the dispenser!

Queen's.. It is a closed case.

Where did Wendy get the idea to kill him like that? He killed himself using his own method if he was behind the Queen's murders! She wouldn't know about coat hangers and a blade through the heart!

Depends when she was admitted, and if she saw the news reports.

Okay, you have a valid point. But she would not have access to the staffroom, to knives, hard objects.. So it doesn't tie in. They don't make harming yourself easily acheivable in Belle Vue. Let alone anyone else. The couple in Queen's. I wonder.

Wonder what?

I wonder if she knew them, or was related?

You think she killed them?

No, but maybe she witnessed something. What if she saw the whole thing play out?

They are not treating Queen's as a double murder, it's officially a murder/suicide.

And I told you, I don't believe it.

Strange thing though since you mention it.

What?

Dr Jimmy was found hanging from the wire coat hanger on the back of his cell door, the knife plunged through his hospital gown and straight through his heart. 

Strange thing? It's a suicide you said. So nothing strange about it!

His gown was hitched up and above his waist, exposing his genitals.

The same as the woman in Queens?

Well, I guess so.

And you think this is a coincidence?

It's not impossible! For gods sake!

It was Wendy.

It was NOT!

Yes, it was.

Dr Jimmy. Dead? Or maybe the only thing that died that day was one of his alter ego's. He's probably not dead at all. He's been dead before remember?

They removed his body.

Adam Chandler removed his body. No hospital morgue, just straight into the private ambulance and then presumably the funeral director.

And freedom?

Possibly.

God, you have one hell of an imagination!

Dr Jimmy was never going to harm himself, he's way too smart for that. 

And where would he go, supposing what you say is correct?

He has so many different lives, he could go anywhere.

So he is a chameleon.

Yes, yes he is.

And so now what?

So now I guess we must be very careful. Because for sure, he know's we are on to him.

Assuming he's alive?

Oh, he's alive alright.

She Is A Very Private Woman Who Never Sought The Limelight

 Listen. We have been ashamed, hopeless, tired, mad.. But always, all ways, we loved us.

It is possible that our ideas don’t suffer?

Such as the idea of suffering, for instance? 

But we are not ideas, are we?

No.

Well however quickly I forget what you're going to say, your statements are always an event.

The men you reduced to ashes are finally dusting themselves off Tiny Fair.

How am I supposed to decipher that?

As a beam of light.

You can't escape, and furthermore, you don't want to.

But I can't work by limelight.

You got this far.

How far is this far? Too far? Or not far enough?

You went to the precipice.

But I haven't gone over it.

I think maybe you did.

The edge of glory.

You created your own myth.

Well no one else was going to do it now were they?

I slowly realized

That you will never linger,

With distance in your eyes

And no ring on your finger. The drugs are okay.. I'm a poet..

There are mysteries. There are horrendous things. Monster's. And just one injection from the men in white would make… well, that has not happened.

But it has happend.

Tomorrow it will all be gone.

This is like being a child,  when an enormous insult is pulled over your head like a sack, and you can never forget it. 

Remove the sack, no one told you it had to remain on your head forever!

You deal with the blows so much better than I do.

Well that rather depends on who I was at the time of the insult, was I myself or one of my many other personalities?

Who are you today?

I didn't get to know her properly yet, she's new. I emerge a different person after each transition.

So you don't know yourself?

Not yet. I'm not going to fuck with her though.

You scared of her?

Not scared. I'm cautious.  She's unpredictable. 

Be careful. Look around you. I am stunned by how easy it is to be a bad Person.

The bad people are mainly on the street Frenchy, not in here.

Goodnight, good work, sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.

I'm going out dancing tomorrow though, so can it wait?

I'm not sure murderer's can wait for the music to finish.

Here's sad Wendy. She's only 13, a really nice girl. But she always wears the same clothes and she stinks really really bad. 

Apparently this is a common defense for kids who have been repeatedly raped or assaulted by a family member. They don't clean themselves or they'll even soil themselves to make themselves undesirable to their abuser. 

God, that reminds me of a girl from school, I hoped she just had really bad hygiene. 

I give her a big hug every night in the common area when it is time to go to our cells. Will she ever get out of here? I hope one day she gets to smell nice.

Who knows.

Midazolam is my favorite. Oh... It's as close to an off switch for a human being that I've ever known..

We need to get out. You are getting too comfortable with the routine. Smile.

Hi Wendy, how's it going?

It's going well!

Good! I'm happy to hear it.

Did you hear?

Hear what?

Dr Jimmy, he's dead!

Dead? How do you know that?

I know that, 'cos I was the one that killed him!

Throw My Key Down The Drainee

 Trust me.

How? How can I trust you?

Because I'm asking you to.

Okay, I will pretend I do, but I really do not. And I can't pretend for very long.

Don't believe anyone, only believe yourself. For people lie, and let you down. You can only believe in yourself. There's always an agenda if you put your trust in other's. I trust in dreams, as Gibran says, for in them is the hidden gate. To eternity. Friendship is a sweet responsibility. Never an opportunity. Well, it isn't supposed to be.

You don't know how deep love is, until the hour of separation.

That is so true, unfortunately.

So writing it out, letting yourself bleed into the keyboard?

Exactly.

And the issue of trust?

Trust no one. I don't. Only myself.

Who betrayed you first?

My mother probably. Left me to the sharks. 

The one person you should be able to trust.

Exactly.

Husband's? Lovers?

All. All but one. So I don't trust them as far as I could throw them. But I walked away, not straight away but eventually. That is my method of dealing with. Separation is the cruellest cut. She's gone. She remains gone.  And I never look back, not for a moment. Because I never forget. I look in the mirror and I say 'You are better than this, you deserve better, so I go get better.'

Did you ever get worse?

All the time, no one is perfect but that's their problem, not mine. I built my house on solid rock. But still I skip happily through the meadows of red flags..

Conclusion?

Remain a mistress, not a wife. The price of an eighth of gold is too high. Freedom. You don't know how valuable it is until you put it in the hands of another person and it's taken away from you. Society dictates we must be partnered with another. I disagree. I don't need anyone to tell me it's time to go home, go to bed, get up.. I'm quite capable of telling myself.

Loneliness?

Freedom.

Love?

Pain.

Hate?

Not knowing something I suspect. 

So you'd rather be a mistress?

Yes, a courtesan or whatever you want to call it. Because eventually he will leave, and give all his shit to his wife.

You think it cheapens you?

No, it puts me in high value, because I can leave the relationship whenever I want to, I don't have to lose the precious gift of freedom. I enjoy the intimacy, then I like him to go sleep elsewhere. After he's mowed the lawn and refilled the woodshed of course. I don't need the dirty laundry.

That's all for today Tiny Fair, you may leave now and return to the ward. I have to say, I'm not quite sure why you're here.

I'm here because I'm not quite right.

In the head?

In every part of me. not just my head.

Okay.

Bien.

Once upon a time, there was a woman known as Tiny Fair.  She was  mental and  "freedom was her lover." Yes, she was a captivating enigma, with a mind as sharp as a blade and a spirit that could not be tamed. She roamed the world with a mischievous glint in her eye, challenging societal norms and breaking free from the constraints of convention. Her presence was both intoxicating and unsettling, drawing in those who dared to follow her on her wild and unpredictable journey. Some called her insane, others called her bad, but to those who truly understood her, she was simply a force of nature, a beacon of freedom in a world bound by rules and expectations. Rules and expectations could go fuck themselves.

Face the Morning Sun

 I never thought the day would ever come. Night turns to day, and with it a whole new range of emotions. Today's spotlight is shining on total indifference! I am night and day, black and white, from a once raging inferno to solid ice. And my ice is dangerous for everyone. 

My mind goes back to hot freshly ground coffee and roaring flames from the grate, and your heart.

But indifference quells the flames. 

The fire is out?

Almost, almost entirely. However there remains some smoke from the smouldering ashes.

Smoke can resurrect back to flames.

Unless you let it sputter out. 

And did you put on some more wood?

No. Why should I? Why didn't you? I am cold. And happy to remain so.

I can't drink the coffee in here.

Take a cup of squash. It's grape today, not too bad and quite sweet. Still disgusting though if I'm honest.

And when the puzzle is solved, where are we?

We are on the river, with the ferryman, do we return to an unknown land or stay on the boat?

I'm going to stay on the boat for a while. On our own personal River Styx.

And live between the living and the dead? What if you fall in?

I will attempt to swim to the other side. But if I make it, I will have to wait until I am reborn into another body. However my soul will remain the same.

I will find you again?

Maybe. You found me this time. Only next time, remember to bring your matches and leave behind your mask.

I don't recognize you, which mask are you wearing?

The mask of the stranger.

Dr Jimmy's eye's were burning, he couldn't wipe away the constant watering due to the restraints on his wrists. How long had he been here? He couldn't remember. His neck was itching... And then he remembered in a slow motionlike video replay his last night in Riker's. The bedsheet on the metal frame of the empty bunk above his. It was supposed to end there. Why was he now here? He recognised the male nurse taking notes.

Morning Dr Jimmy. We need to start bringing you back to the land of the living.

The land of the living dead you mean! Adam, untie my hands, you know I don't need to be restrained! I'm a Doctor for chrissakes!

Sorry boss, no can do. Care for some squash? It's grape today.

Stick it up your ass!

Have a nice day Dr Jimmy. Oh, I almost forgot.. I need to take a swab from you.

A swab for what?

For our records, we need your DNA. It wasn't done earlier, some admin error.

I refuse! You Incompetent fool! How dare you!

Yes it was a mistake while booking you in apparently, but no worries, I have your back. Open wide.

My DNA won't prove a damn thing!

It may prove your innocence though, no?

Please don't take the journey alone, I will come with you.

Some journey's must be made alone. 

You're not strong enough for this.

I'm stronger alone, you sap my strength, I can feed my own energy but you are like a monkey on my back that drains me.

You are so vulnerable.

I may look it, but please know this, it's just another one of my masks.

In the chaotic hospital room, the sound of screaming filled the air as Adam Chandler tried to calm down Dr Jimmy who was now totally immobilised and forced to submit to the DNA test. Despite his best efforts, he felt powerless to subdue the rage in the face of the Jimmy's fear and anger. As the test was finally completed, Adam couldn't help but wonder about the secrets that the results would reveal, and the impact they would have on this patient's life. What had led to this? A seemingly respectful professional and family man being forced to submit to these tests. What had happened at Riker's that had brought him here? Sure, Dr Jimmy had always been an arrogant prick, but what was going on? Everyone knew about the alleged rapes, but what else was he hiding?

Warning - May Contain Nuts

 Power walking to 80's music or watch Stuart Little?

Oh no. Not again?

We could play cards?

I had hoped we'd left here forever, but here we are. Again. The looney bin.

The legal high's are pretty radical huh?

Yeah, the government issued stuff is pretty good I must say.

Can you feel your hands?

I can't feel nothing. Like fucking nothing! Ha!

There's a guy on the front desk trying to force his own admittance, he's had a row with his girlfriend. He's begging to come in here and here's you complaining all the time. Ungrateful bitch you are!

Ha! That's funny! Trying to get in here to get away from his girlfriend?  She must be fun to live with if this place is a better alternative.

How did you get admitted this time?

I told my Doctor I needed sleeping meds because my Grandma kept on grabbing my foot when I was asleep. Then she would hurl herself at me screaming and I would have to throw her on the floor. He asked me how old she was, and I told him she'd been dead forty years, so he called an ambulance. 

Knowing you this is probably true.

And you? How did you get in?

Yeah, I told the girl behind the counter at Macdonalds to give me an empty coffee cup as I needed to jerk off.

And knowing you this is probably true! Surprised they put you in here and not in jail!

And yet here we are...

Well I'm going to sit here and watch the clock. Get my ice cream cup at 8pm then go to bed.

You found the least disgusting bed?

No, they gave me a pretty decent one this time actually.

Good for you. I'm in with a guy who shits himself. Deliberately.

A dirty protester hey? Nice. Don't ask him why he does it, his answer will put you in therapy. How long are we here this time?

Until we can get to Dr Jimmy.

He's in segregation?

Yes. Thorazined up to his gills. More than likely.

No conscience there then.

But he would talk in that state?

No, I doubt he will remember much.

Oh, and if a guy called Steve calls you after midnight, don't answer the phone.

Why?

Because he's a joker, he's a smoker and he's a midnight toker. But he don't mean to hurt no one..

Funny... No stopping you is there? 

I love you.

Is that you or the meds talking?

That's me talking to the meds. Stuart Little?

No it triggers me.

You're very tall for your age.

Huh?

You are a fucking 9 year old trapped in a man's body!

Yeah... All plastic cutlery and no locks on the bathroom door.

Ah well, better go peel some paint off the walls.

Eat the plaster also for a touch of realism, make your illness look more convincing.

Here comes the anorexic..

Well you would never get admitted with that would you.

Fuck off...

Working with people with eating disorders must be brutal.

Yes, she hid batteries in her ponytail to make her heavier at weigh in. But she managed to pick up a full water bottle off the dispenser and throw it at the nurses when they put her in lock down.

She accused me of stealing her Guatamalan coin collection.

Did you? 

 I was thinking about it.

Another night in paradise.

Here comes Nurse Ratched. Open wide.

The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls, and tenements halls, and whispered in the sounds of silence

 He never stopped running, you know? He was wearing these sunglasses, big thick black triangles covering his eye's, and a black rectangular strip adjoining them that covered his forehead.

Covering his third eye.

I asked him if he could see through them, or was he wearing them when he met her.

Oh no, you didn't say that. After all this time?

Yes I did! I did say that! I wanted to know! I wanted to know if he was fucking blind!

But then it came.

The men in tin cans. All lined up. In a cupboard.  I'd had them processed and put into tins, like dog food. But I was still afraid someone would guess and open a can with a tin opener, and see what I'd done.

Did they?

No, they didn't. I concealed the tin cans elsewhere, but thought it may look suspicious. So I put them all back into the kitchen cupboard.

Were they labelled? The cans?

Yes. With their photograph. I don't understand why I did that.

Perhaps you didn't.

No, perhaps not. But the thought was there. Imagine the tycoon with a flotilla of floating fish canneries. Catch, gut, can.  Maybe that's where his last wife disappeared to.

Bizarre.

No, not bizarre.  That's what I thought at the time. Sardines and ex wife on toast for supper.

When were you walking the steep steps downwards?

Last night. It looked easy enough but then I noticed that almost every other step was covered in dog shit. I didn't want to step into it, so my descent took what seemed like a lifetime. It took hours. When I looked backwards and upward from the bottom step, the climb would have been easier than the descent.

And so there is your solution. The path of easiest resistance isn't necessarily the best.  It's usually easier to walk downhill than climb uphill. But the results can be very different. And not always desirous.

Why do you know everything?

Was he at the bottom of the steps?

No. I began to run amongst a group of people, we were all headed in the same direction. It was a subway. I realized that a man, at the side, lying on the ground on his front was him. I stopped running and went back to him. He jumped up and threw his arms around me, laughing. We sank to our knee's, both laughing. He was wearing the blue shirt, and jeans. He didn't say anything, only laughter was the sound between us. He then stood and pulled me to my feet, and without saying a word, he pushed me back into the line of running people. I waved back at him still laughing. Then I continued this unknown race.

He said goodbye?

No he didn't.

Then that is where you shall meet him again.

What? In the subway?

Yes. The cold green lit tunnel.

Why? How do you know that?

It is the tunnel that separates the dead from the living, you must continue the race alone.

What if I don't want to continue the race? Alone?

You have no option.

But what if I make the choice, not leave it to fate?

Not your choice to make, unfortunately.

I've always made my own choices.

Not this time. It is out of your hands.

I don't like you very much. You are like a tourniquet on my emotions. My psyche.

I'm reality. You not only don't like me, you positively hate me.

I do.

Correct.

Again! Fuck you!

And fuck you too..

Metamorphosis Complete

Radiate. Stop the candle burning too low without snuffing it out entirely.

Technique. In life, learn to breathe slowly, deeply and exhale, slowly. Stop holding your breath. They want you to change? Don't change. Remain as you have aways been, true to yourself. You don't owe anyone anything, but they owe you everything.

Some people are ungrateful.

Some people are blind, they are insensitive. They don't realize.

Well they should.

Don't lose sleep over it. Time will change them. And the sound of a door closing. Don't slam it shut, close it gently.

Silence is power.

But keep a window open, don't block them out entirely, that causes a wave of panic, and leads to turmoil and destruction. They will be unhappy, then angry, keep the window open.

Inside the turmoil, black or white? Happy or sad?

White. Happy. I found happiness within myself, and no one can take that from me because it wasn't given by another person. I discovered it myself.

The pursuit of happiness. All the time it was there, you just needed to see it.

Solitude is happiness. The sun. The light. The trees.

If it's dead and gone, let it be released. Don't hold it inside. That won't bring anything back to you, it will just cause pain. Release it. Let it go.

We are in the garden of a madhouse. That's why I came to this place. I find it more sane here. At least I can be myself. A reflection of myself is what I see in the mirror, not who everyone else wants me to see. A reflection of themselves. Be like me, they say, a brilliant academic, be like her, an athlete. No. I can't be someone else. I am me. I want to be myself. And you know? People don't like that.

If you can't be pigeon-holed at school, you are a misfit and are punished. Just for being an individual. How dare you.  You have to conform to societal roles. I was always a free spirit. A butterfly floating from one flower to the next. Except there wasn't always nectar, there was sometimes shit.

But something as small as the flutter of a butterflies wing, can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway across the world.

Don't conform to the world, transform.

The candle is burning so low

How can you be both deliriously happy howling at the moon, and yet mournfully black and sad at the same time? Like the utimate thrill of the heights of the rollercoaster, right back down to the black smoke  and depths of despair. Laughing hysterically,  then laying flat on the ground with bloody knee's and hot tearful anger?  Yet inside something is like you are still soaring with a light heart, and swooping through the clouds as carefree as a bluebird with a twig in his beak building his first nest,  and has just found his mate for life?

Why am I these two people?

Black and yet white. As black as the depths of hell. As white as pure newly fallen snow.

Black and white are not colours. What colour are you today?

Outside. Blue. I'm blue, but I'm also red. Inside I'm grey. Suffocating slowly. Like a slow suicide but on day release because the sun is shining outside and suicide in the sunlight is forbidden. Save that for the blackness and the emptiness of the night. For as the sun retreats, it sucks your life and soul away and into it's shade.

The dark is not for the weak.

Always conceal, never reveal. Yor strengths and weaknesses, learn to keep them under cover. In the darkness.

But the truth lives in the light.

No matter. Keep the light on, but the blinds closed.

You are so disturbing how you  find it relatively easy to read my thoughts.

I'm aware of it. I can read you. Every despicable thought, which are many, every pure thought too. And they are plentiful. But balanced.

Don't use the word balanced to describe me for shit sake.

My mind is racing. I'm stuck one moment within the groove of being kind, simple and thoughtful. At the same time I'm skipping into total thoughts of sheer destruction. I want to burn everything down. I'm a scratched vinyl record. Literally. 

You keep talking but I'm not really listening. I'm lost within the confines of my head.  See me smile? It's a pretence. Nothing is real. But what is reality? 

Keep pretending, keep the smile. Until it becomes real. Fake it until you make it!  What makes you happy? What makes you sad? Clouds are grey and full of rain. 

And people are fake and full of shit.

Sshh... Someone is listening in again.

No one is listening. The intrusion is all in your imagination.

No. Nothing is in my imagination. I know, I know. I fucking know.

You know only what I choose to share with you.

And therein lies the fucking problem!

The laughing man. The pushing hands. Talking in slow motion. He's there, always ready to show himself, when I least expect it, laughing, always laughing.

You are always laughing.

But it's fake. Maybe I'm laughing at myself.

Major arcana, the Fool. But you are ready to step over the precipice. Take the plunge over the edge. You need to do that. We need to do that.

You don't know where the edge is until you've stepped over it. Right?

Precisely. You are correct as usual.

Unless I'm imagining it.

But do we hold hands and go over together?

No, it's a journey we must make alone.

Well I'm going. You either come with me or you stay in your safety zone. Full of cushions and comfy sofa's, thick mattresses covered in duck down, smelling of Rose Jam. 

I have no such zone.

Good. Because either way, I'm stepping over the cliff edge. And very soon. I will give no warning either, so be prepared.

I need time to think.

No, no thinking about it. You either do it, or you don't do it. Either way, I am gone.

Okay. I was never really here. And I will never be here where I never really was, again.

Good. Go fuck yourself. 

Mission not impossible

 We refuel in St Tropez, and finally we are about to complete what we came to do my Tiny Fair. Our mission is almost accomplished.  

Well Frenchy, I'm kind of getting used to the randomness of our life, but what happens when we need to return to normal life? We shall be bored?

No, we shall be relieved. But you know it's not over in New York. We need to return soon. But first I return my brother to our mother. Paris is the last leg of this journey. 

So from the glorious aerial sights of the Riviera and then it's back to reality.

Ouai, d'accord. 

Back to the farm. No more daylight, only darkness.

We are still rolling around in hyper schemes.

Do you St Tropez?

 There was my Riviera love peering over at me.. over dark glasses.

 

Somewhere, your enemies are keening

 

You know going uphill is only one way right?

No intentions of rolling downhill Frenchy. No left or right hand turns either, up, only up. That is me.

Sometimes you wake up and life gives you a thump. Know what I'm saying?

Yes, I sure do. If you imagine waking up one morning and running unwittingly into the person that is going to be the reason that it will be the last time you do something - or everything. 

  But imagine everything you do when you wake up, but that is the day that it's for the last time - but you don't know it's the last time. Do you remember the last time you played out with your friends as a kid? No. But there was a last time, you just didn't know it.

The last time.

For the last time.

The old lady in Queen's. She put on her nightdress for the last time, cleaned her teeth and brushed her hair. But she also breathed for the last time. Because of her husband? No, I don't believe that. Why pull her nightgown up like that? And the way he killed himself is soo not sitting right with me.

There's no more information yet, the forensics are still on it.

What about similar cases?

I don't know, there's 2 or possibly even 3.

So we are talking about a serial killer?

Possibly. 

What did the DNA bring up?

Some familial, possibly blood found at the scene with quite a rare blood group. 

Ohh, I have quite a rare blood group!

Vraiment?

Ouai. I was in hospital once and I was told they couldn't operate as there was none of my blood type in the bank as it was rare.

You did 23 and Me?

I did. But it's going broke and I'm wondering what will happen to all of those DNA samples.

I hear they will be sold to the Far East, dangerous in my opinion.

Yes, especially as drones can find you with a DNA sample.

You watch too much TV.

Vraiment?

Ha!

Ancestry dot com.. I did that too. I'm waiting for the cops to knock on the door with an unsolved crime!

It could happen you think?

Oh sure! Nothing would surprise me! 

I've heard several cases so you could be right.

Whatever happens, well it never happens on it's own you know? 

Only if deceit prevails.

I live in the light, not in the shadows. I know, let's go down to the water, see if we can find the man who pretends he isn't there. You know the guy who pushes his boat with a big stick, and covers his face with a scarf? He has answers.

I think they collected him and put him in Belle Vue, he isn't there anymore.

Ok, the man who isn't there anymore, let's find him.

His hands were bleeding the last time I saw him.

No, they were not bleeding, he has blood on them, there's a  difference.

 Like Lady Macbeth?

Indeed.

We are in danger Tiny Fair. What were facts are now feelings.

What difference does it make? We keep following the flame. It will take us straight to our destination.

Destination unknown?

No, I know where the destination is.

I feel better.

People always take more from the buffet than they can eat.

Why do you say that?

Because it's a fact?

I actually don't, I return for me if I need to.

Hmmm.

We need to keep to the road ahead.

But all the roads look like Medusa's head.

Keep walking my beautiful one, until you have worn out yet another pair of shoes.