People don't like it when you talk to them with your weapon drawn

 My dreams are like a passive war, that I can't wake up from. I'm totally fucked up, confused.

That happens sometimes. What did you see?

Nothing different. Same house, the same weather, damp and cold..

The clothes?

The same clothes, in the same place. In the same bag. There's nothing to add. I don't intend to go back there.

Except this time was an improvement, you didn't throw up!

Worms crawling in and out of a skull. White shirt, black trousers. It's not so much the clothing, it's where it was concealed. And not the type of outfit you might expect a serial killer to wear.

Why? What would you expect them to wear?

I don't know, I never gave it any thought, but not black trousers and a white shirt.

Can you see any faces?

No, not really. The car disappeared not long afterwards though.

They bought another car?

No, they started traveling by motorcycle. And when the heat was on, they disappeared abroad until things cooled down according to the old man.

Why a bike?

To move unnoticed within a certain group? That's my hunch.

Do you have any timeline for that period?

No, I can't remember anything.

So fuck it?

That is the word.

What were you wearing?

Probably jeans, I rarely wore anything else. Jeans and Chanel No19 was my uniform. Always Chanel. Could have been No5 actually, 19 possibly came a little later.

Who was your boyfriend at that time?

Some guy in a band. Lead guitar.

And him, who was he, what was his name?

William I think.. Or was that his surname? I really can't recall. He was tall with long black hair, I met him at the Club. 

So you remember Spring of that year?

Vaguely. I was mixing with a lot of arabs and playboys. Nothing much to remember. Why do you keep on taking me back there?

I'm trying to awaken your vision, but maybe there is trauma attached.

Trauma? Well I can guarantee there will have been plenty of that floating around!

Where were you living at the time of blue jeans and Chanel No5?

I don't know, possibly at home by around April that year. Until mid summer when I moved into an apartment with a new boyfriend, but I thought I must have been much older than I was, I have no definitive dates.

You were still a baby.

I suppose I was.

You most defintely were. Jesus.

I had to grow up quickly. You know my kid is at University and she's 3 years into a 5 year criminology course, I worry about her so far from home, and there was I. Always far from home. 

She's going to be a cop?

No, back room. Forensics. Not so fucking brave as you frontliner's are!

 Braver, in my opinion. So come on you, unlock this timeline. You are getting very close!

I do remember something though.

Go.

The old man, he told me something strange. About the guy that lived next door. He said he saw him late one night and he was covered in blood.

You just remembered that?

Yes.

What else did he tell you? Don't let the wave recede, keep it flowing.

He said he asked him if he was hurt, what with all the blood.

And?

The guy said he had been involved in an accident, but that he wasn't badly injured.

How much blood?

The old man said he was covered all over his face.

But he said that he was uninjured?

Yes.

Did you ever see the young guy yourself?

Yes, a day or so later, in the local bar, I asked him about it.

And what was his response?

That he was involved in an accident, and the old man was exaggerating. It was a small cut.

What happened after that? Did you see any injuries?

I can't remember. Maybe a small cut.

You heard about the murders when? Before or after that encounter?

I can't recall. I wasn't really one for following the news. Probably afterwards. 

You didn't put the two together?

No. There was no reason to.

Except there was a heinous act commited less than two kilometres away!

I didn't have any concept of distances back then, I didn't drive! For all I knew, it all happened a million miles away!

Accepted. I have no further questions. This proceeds as is. You know Tiny Fair, you can do whatever you want. 

I am having a vision, so please leave me be.

Do not let anyone shit on your universe.

No my darling. I am stretched out on your long couch, my hair is a tangled mess, but my mind is not.

I really led myself astray

 I'm visible, but not everyone can see me.

Soften your heart before it's too late.

Judgement of me is a luxury you can't afford.

You may yet find your way home.

But where is home?

How do you feel being the voice in a Universe that doesn't yet exist?

I'm like a disposable tissue, not yet disposed of.

You're fucked. your hasty, too hasty. In everything!

And you're like a bloody cannibal. Feeding from me!

Look, use this stick. Once across the head should be enough.

I'm sick of your billionaire compassion.

You're losing your manners, every ounce of your unreliability and vulnerability is on display right now.

Click here to bend, click here to withstand.

As I said, all your issues are on display right now.

You're empty. Some fucking system you live by.

It began with love.

It was lust.

I used to think pain was meaningful.

It's just that we don't like the reality.

But the dark forest sparkled and it was too late to turn around.

We dismissed the truth, it was too dark.

A disposable tissue, not disposed of.

Listen to me, I am telling you!

If you think I'm not suffering, get your head examined.

Bingo!

This is going to be a long flight.

When you climb a tree, you climb it alone.

I'm going to call your wife.

You are going to brand yourself?

No, free myself.

At least I got you on board.

Yes, thank god I learned to swim.

You had some lunch?

No thank you, I can't eat when my stomach feels full of doubt and anxiety.

We are very close to the truth.

But with the truth only comes more pain.

You. You. You.

Yes, me. I cry when I need to.

Passion is your gift, but sadness is in the blood that courses through your veins.

Passion, sadness.. It's my core.

As I said before, your gifts are only real if there's proof. Oh why won't you fucking smile?

I was not supposed to be like this, breathing.

But you are.

Your kiss is like a hurricane.

And well we all know how dangerous those can be.

Did you speak to him?

No, not yet. He will call me later. Or not. He needs to run now.

You are resilient.

But only with proper rest, so goodnight.

But you're calling out warnings!

So listen to them.

You are crying like a dog left out in the rain.

I am studying my own negativity, I don't want the pain to spread to others.

I've been around long enough to know that there's always one person who can't be talked to. You are that one person.

I want all of this to be finished.

And one day, it will be.

Let's just make this bearable okay?

One life, no returns.

No, your mistakes are the only thing you ever completely own entirely.

What about his mistakes?

He didn't own them, rather he denies he was there holding the weapon.

Who held the weapon if not him?

He did, but he feels it wasn't him, or even his fault.

Let's get this back on track my tiny darling.

I don't feel like going down the rabbit hole again with you.

Here, drink this.

What is it?

Lilac wine.

Transcend The Pain

 It's not normal to want to be loved by everybody.

He wanted to be a good person, but he didn't have enough money.

What doesn't kill you makes you makes you stronger.

No, what doesn't kill you makes you angry. And who wants you when you're angry?

You look for knowledge, but when you find it it doesn't help, just makes things worse. There is a shred of peace when you're in the dark. The light hurts the eyes.

What do do with the truth. It's never palatible. Leaves a sour taste. Leaves the heart shot through with holes. The only thing is to encase it in concrete, or ice. 

Only love to a depth that the inevitable wounds are superficial, not life and soul destroying.

Perhaps it's preferable to not love at all.

That isn't you though. Your style is to over love.

Maybe it's time to change.

Your wife is drinking Maker's in the shower. Don't join her, let her have her moment, beautifully wet and alone.

And when the last tree is down, you'll have nothing left to hang on to.

It is possible to stand alone, it's not always the best to need anything to hang on to. 

At least if we can see the shadow of the surprise before it descends, it makes it easier.

Does it? Not in my experience. When you're human, and accept yourself, everyone wins.

When the demon is at your door, in the morning it won't be there no more. Your superfine mind has come undone.

Only a fool would say that. Literally.

When he's holding his hat, he's lying.

I don't want to hear the bad things. I'm too fragile.

Where are you?

The airport.

What? Where will you go next, alone?

I'm flying to Dubai, I have a friend there. Now is the time to be free.

You can never be totally free, you hold too much in your heart, your head!

I did. I'm shaking myself free of the shackles that bind me. Eventually the time will come. When me is me is mine. I don't need a man to do it, I don't need a man for any of it.

The point is, I need to know that you're alive on this planet!

Have you lost your soul? Or did you sell it.. And if you sold it, you did so to the lowest bidder.

I'm waiting for justice.

A thing screaming, is a thing being broken. Even if that scream is silent.

Bring me hope, please, help me to cope with this..

I can't. You are already broken.

Please love me.

No, not ever again. 

My heart and soul is destroyed.

It was that way from the beginning. 

The blood is dripping from the wounds you have inflicted.

I'm looking at your picture.

Don't, it will only heighten your depths. And they are deep.

We were both wrong about the other.

No, you were wrong about me. You don't know about me.

It's okay not to be in love with me, but at least love me, it won't make your heart fall out!

My heart is safer in my own hands.  Please drink the water from the altar. You have taken me to a place I have never been before. What was heaven is now hell. Drink the water! Drink the rain!

I will never take you there again!

You left me there.

Be in bed alone.

Tonight I just want to be out of my head. Not be with you. If I'd only have known what a major head fuck was incoming.

I've cut my hand, I need you. I may bleed out!

You won't, reptiles don't bleed.

I'm sorry..

No, you are not. Fewer words are more powerful. But my inaction is my most powerful tool of all.

I am checking my cables, network, router..

I can tell you, you're no good.

I am having a transformative experience.

Writing is the kindest god, the ultimate psychiatrist. It stops the sky from falling down. That always frightened me when I was a kid, the sky falling down.

You are a little lady mouse.

Hear my footsteps, do they become quieter? Because they are running away from you.

You are the mountain no man can climb.

I was a bunny slope. You are too far South.

I believed in you, now I don't recognise you.

You got kicked between the eye's. Don't act so surprised. 

Which mask are you wearing?

The steel one today.

I prefer the silk.

Silk is also super resilient. Let's in the warmth, keeps out cold. But is still unbearable in a hot kitchen.

This is a time of trouble.

It is.

Change your mind, you are clever at that, you do so a million times a day!

Sometimes I can't change it at all. It is stuck.

How can we make it better?

Let the lunatics drive the ambulance, let's see where they take it.

People often forget what they care about.

I need peace. I don't want to accompany you on your bloody road trip.

It will end soon, I promise.

But your promises are worthless.

Let's go back to our blue jeans, our hungry years.

I can't I'm too lazy.

Our table at Bleeker St?

You are the most uncomfortable shoes known to fucking man!

I'll wait for you at Grand Central.

There's a fire there.

No, there is not.

There will be.

Just get there.

Wipe the humour from your cheeks.

You missed the boat.

That's not all I missed.

The Moon Above The Madhouse

 We create what we want, and make it as we want it to be. And some people eat that shit up. Or they don't, we just like to pretend they do. So what is the point of us doing what we do? Living this life? Doing this stuff with neither beginning or end?

Think of the weak, think of them. They need you, they need people like you. They don't have the mind to do the things that come so easily and effortlessly, so naturally to you. If only you knew how much you help, but right now sleep has sold us out.

Goodnight, Sun.

I'm looking back at you right now. Can you see me? Look at me!

My rule book says don't touch anyone, ever, over and over.

If this is your disgust of me, I will take it as a compliment. Come, let me take you home on the train.

My darling, it doesn't matter, really it doesn't. We are here.

Oh you silly baby. You want to call God? Call the law?

What God? What law? A gift is only special if there's proof! All I see are stains on our landscape.

Don't worry about being stained. Stains are normal, a badge of honour. Never give them what they want when they want it. Your skills are your vindication. My skills are less so, but my stains aren't as visible in sunlight, only by the light of the moon. So..

Well we need to leave before they remove the ladder. Or lose the key to the room we're in.

Dear mitigating circumstance..

There are no mitigating circumstances. Let's go.

And a million new disaster's have just turned over in their sleep.

Forever the optimist hey? Come on. Let's go somewhere they can't see what we're doing under the table. This crisis is out of our hands.

And when the drama comes calling, how will you hear it with your ear buds in?

We own the night, it won't matter. But no hiding people in the bathtub this time.

No.

No.

May God give us only as much snow as we can shovel.

Snow? Shit you mean shit.

In the midst of all of the confusion they found themselves trapped in a cycle of lethargy and despair. But just when they thought all hope was lost, they stumbled upon a love so pure and powerful that it gave them the strength to escape the confines of their own minds. As they raced against time to break free from the inner turmoil, they realized that love was the ultimate antidote to the suffering, and with each passing moment, they both felt themselves becoming lighter and more alive than ever before. Just as in all the crap romance novel's. 

There's no such thing as a happily ever after, only more mental distress and hard work navigating the path of a slow but certain death trip.

And I am only an Apache

Smoking Hashi

In old Cabashy

By the Lamp.